French nails and rollers

Damn this fucking decorating. My nails are filled with white paint. The paint rollers never rinse clean - white paint coming out forever, am I the only person who can't clean a fucking paint roller? I'm behind schedule by several days, the satellite installer didn't show today but insists he will show tomorrow afternoon (new year's eve and a Saturday!). I got my "Egyptian cotton" mixed up with my "Soft stone", and when painting the ceilings the "Indicolour" white paint which goes on pink but dries white may as well be invisible to me and of course everything needs 2 coats. My ISP hasn't switched the phone lines on 29th as instructed, and my Palm has died (no, not the hairy one).

And those are just the minor irritations I have at the moment. "Start the year as you mean to go on" - I think NOT.

oh, and Happy new year.

collect your Christmas wish

Wishing everyone a relaxing Christmas .

last gasp

Braved the hordes. In early out early, right? No. Just got sucked in like a big bowl of treacle. Got out at 3pm - 1 present left to get after 5 hours and sore feet. Time to go do some hole filling at the new shanty. Next year .... I'll be soooo organised. Like in April, when you see what would be an ideal present for someone - buy it ! No fucking about. No messing. You won't remember come November when you spend 6 weeks looking for inspiration only to buy what's left when it boils down to the last 48 hours. I feel a "10 things you learned about Christmas but will forget next year" entry coming on.

Christmas dinner (and why I'm pathetic) part 2

This follows on from part 1 found here.

Part 2

So where was I . Vulnerable - that's where I was. NEWPA was casually slipping her arm around me in that "I'll keep it loose so it's friendly but if you reciprocate I'll really get friendly" kind of way. You know what I mean don't you? During the next wee while we chatted and other colleagues were in our company.
I had picked up that NEWPA was a bit too drunk and started to order up glasses of water for her making sure she was sipping them. I think we loosely stuck around each other - I wanted to make sure she didn't get taken advantage of and I had no romantic notions myself because of the state she was in - and she hung around me as we exited to the residents bar. It was here that my boss's, boss's boss started a conversation with me. All I'll say is that I should know by now. These boss type fuckers have a tendency to ask questions and I have a tendency to answer forthrightly. (When I was going through airport security next day I felt someone grab my arm. Yeah, it was him. Earth swallow me up please!) Next time will be different (why o why can't I just be rude and walk away from these people when they ask me questions, it would be so much less harmful for me in the long run).
Back to the plot. I am being topped up with large glasses of wine by all and sundry. That's just what I need with no sleep in 24 hrs and severe dehydration due to the dodgy guts. NEWPA is still here and my drunkenness must be catching up with hers.We can both barely speak and she loosely holds my fingers or my waist or gets really close to my face. You know what's coming next. My excuse is that I was drunk. I never can make good decisions when I'm drunk. Can't evaluate a situation. It's my folly. I let her bounce off my face in what was probably half a dozen attempted casual snog passes - the ones where they can be accidentally put down to losing her balance,blah, blah, blah. But 6 times? I am such a twat.
It's now past 4 and she is more sober than anytime over the last few hours - good. I however am swaying in the strong breeze created by an anorexic waitress gliding by- not good. Nothing happens. Nothing except EXPA comes to join us remarking that "Why did I leave her with ... earlier?" and for some unknown reason (and this bit really isn't like me) I get into and then take over a conversation about dick size. WTF !! Can the A team please swoop in and distract everyone with potato mortars and bling and stupid theme tunes, I need rescued. EXPA went to bed. NEWPA, who had now been joined by a friend of hers asked for 4 of us remaining to sit at a table. I think I must have been close to catatonic now. Funny I didn't remember being that way until the autopsy the next day. Bed (solo) was a mere few minutes away.
So there you have it. Or not.

I have some BIG questions for myself.

• Why was I such a gent?
• Why do I think I'm still sober when talking to a boss?
• Why can't I work out the small signs?
• Why can't I drink water like Jebus?
• Why do I turn into my brother when I'm drunk?
• Why did I spend a lot of the night making fun of fat girls ? (Oh, I'm not proud- forgot to mention that earlier. In my defence it was only the really fat ones who dressed inappropriately - I'm still digging that hole aren't I ? Shut up man!!).

I should have been tucked up in bed early on, dictating to a PA - any PA. I have another of these type of events in January, except bigger. Can you please give me some advice, some words of wisdom?

Christmas dinner (and why I'm pathetic)

As this is a much longer entry than normal for me I'll stick part 1 up now. Please put part 1 before your comment (for the benefit of later readers) and I'll update with part 2 as soon as possible. Thanks.
Part 1

You wanna know how the Christmas dinner went? Oke doke. Now, you already know what the ending is, it's only how I got there that differs.
So, night before - I get 2 hours sleep due to my daughter being unwell and an early flight. Arrive to the all day meeting thing which unexpectedly included alcohol. Bucks Fizz at breakfast followed by wine. Meeting ends and get a lift to the hotel. Try to sleep. No dice. Have, how shall I say, a dodgy stomach (onion bhajis at lunch) and spend most of the time between 6 and 7pm when the dinner starts on the toilet. Meet colleagues in the bar and have my first 2 glass worth of merlot. Veeeeery fucking boring so far, I know.
In walks a black dress attached to a beautiful beaming smile and blond bob who is of course my colleague from this entry. Yes, the flirty one who I may have done/said something inappropriate with in the past. Contact.
One of my colleagues brags how he spent £980 on drink whilst entertaining earlier in the week. He and 4 others who work in his department have already consumed 15 bottles of champagne today (somebody say he's a dickhead please).
We sit for dinner. Now this is where you have to start paying attention. My boss's ex P.A. arrives after everyone else in seated. She walks in and at first I struggle to recognise her as she appears to be 2/3 legs and has a catwalk gait. Dress code was supposed to smart casual ( whatever that is) . She's wearing a short-suit, hot pants and a sleeveless top combined, black, lycra, 60's detailing. Do I need to describe this is any more detail? I have a feeling we may be talking later. After the first course I realise sooner or later I'm going to have a cigarette. Due to the bad guts and the the fact I might not even make the end of dinner I decide to buy a pack now. (Sorry Junq, I'm weak.) I return to the bar during the meal (which takes 2 hours to serve) several times to have an occasional cig and top up my wine. It's easier to talk here anyway and socialise. Hello ex P.A. . EXPA is quite thin (did I say she had long legs?) so not usually my area of interest. She seemed pleased to see me. Smallchat. Back to dinner. Circulate with colleagues (there's about 300 in the room). Around this time I approach Smiley Flirty. For no apparent reason she was really "off" with me and the conversation lasted only a minute. Perhaps I have something to apologise for after all. Between a rebuff, giving in to the cigarettes and having to clench my cheeks for the last 2 hours or so this night isn't shaping up well.
I reverberate between the 2 bars for a while meeting various people along the way. EXPA is sitting on her own and I sit with her and congratulate her on her show stopping entrance. She feigns embarrassment and tells me how much she hates her legs. "You ! You've fantastic legs. Stand up EXPA!" And to my surprise she does and lets me wallow in her glory. There is a God and sometimes he even listens to me! A guy comes along and starts to chat with her. She seems interested in what he has to say so I leave them and move back to the comfort of the bar a few feet away where I bump into my boss's current P.A. . We'll call her NEWPA. NEWPA is happy. She calls out my name, grabs my arm and proceeds to tell me how nice I am. This could turn into a dangerous situation. 2 rebuffs, she's caught me on the rebound.


to be continued....

the guess-what-happened-next competition

Regular readers will be aware that me and large amounts of alcohol don't mix well. In a few hours I get on a plane to attend an all day meeting followed by the work Christmas dinner party. Rather than me tell you in 2 days time what I did I thought it would be more fun if readers left a comment forecasting what you think I'll do. If you trawl through my archives you might see some patterns. The winner gets to accompany me on a night out with an unlimited drinks budget.

Good luck.

What not to say to a woman

Men and women just don't think or communicate in the same way. No news there, I know. But if you're a man here are some things you might want to avoid saying.

What Not to Say to a Woman

• "What happened to your hair ? Will it stay like that ?"
• "Are you going to wear that tonight ? I thought you were going to get changed."
• "Birthday ? Who's birthday ?"
• "Did your clothes shrink in the drier ?"
• "Your sister is nice. What's her name ?"
• "You're how old ?"
• "Do you think you've been putting on some weight ?"
• "Look ! There's my old girl friend. Let's go over and talk to her."
• “Is that grey hair ?”
• "That's not the way XYZ did it."
• "What I really like about you is your tits."
• "Do you want to borrow my razor ?"
• "Did you have a shower earlier ?"
• "It only looks bad from certain angles."
• "Have any of your friends ever had a 3-some ?"
  
• "Why don't you get your hair cut like XYZ."
• "You remind me of XYZ."
• "That was probably the 2nd best sex I've ever had."
• "It is nice. It just doesn't really suit you."
  
• "I think you look O.K. for your age."
• "When you hit 40 I'll change you for 2 20s ."
• "If I win the lottery I'll give you half."
  
• "I thought you were taller."
• "It's just a little bit of cellulite. Nothing to worry about."
• "As long as it's quick. There's a program coming on in 15 minutes."
• "Marriage is for mugs."
• "I'd like you to be a bit more feminine."
• "Your share of the meal works out at ...."
• "What size do you wear now ?"
• "Have you always been a girl ?"
• "They look exactly the same as your other shoes."
• "Have you thought about getting one of those bras that lifts ?"
• "Pizza is a meal."
• "I know you said you just wanted a cuddle but I'm horny now."
  
• "Is it O.K. if I put the lights out before you take that off ?"
• "I still remember when you were really sexy."
• "I was only talking to her, I mean I could have - I just didn't want to."
• "Are you going out without your make-up ?"
• "I don't even like going to that bar - it's always full of young girls."
• "My tongue's got cramp."
• "All my other girlfriends were good looking but had no personality."
• "Your dress looks fine. No-one's looking at you anyway."
  

Never ever use the word "weight". Think - hole, small twigs and leaves. There is no possible way to avoid being thought of as a callous bastard after you use this word in any context about your partner - e.g. ...

"Have you lost weight ?" translated is "So you did think I was fat ?"

Feel free to add your own examples of what not to say in the comments section.

presents

Being that Christmas is only 2 1/2 weeks away now and I haven't started shopping yet I was just wondering . How late should you leave it before braving the hordes of once a year shoppers ?

gone

George Best 1946 - 2005

link 1

link 2

link 3

cows

"Mimi, what did you see on the train today with Granda ?"
"Cows"
"The sea ?"
"Ahuh"
"Trees ?"
"Ahuh"
"Fields?"
"Ahuh . Tiny cows daddy"

Not sure what it is, cows always come into the picture . The bovine fixation has been there for months . Big cows, tiny cows . Of course there's no such thing as tiny cows . Like when Father Dougal says to Father Ted "Jaysus Ted, aren't the cows in that field awful small ?" "No Dougal, those cows are big but faaaaaaaaaaaar away."


Father Ted DVD

new Firefox 1.5 released

As many of you know (and there's a clue somewhere on my page) I use Firefox browser, even here on Spaces . A new updated version has been released for all main software platforms such as Windows, Mac and Linux . The new version 1.5 should appear here within a few hours or alternatively click on the Firefox logo on this page.
I cheated and grabbed it from here though and am running it now . It seems to be faster loading pages and has a few tweaks around security and clearing personal data in one click plus the ability to drag and drop tabs . Of course you may find some of your previously installed Firefox extensions don't run with it (it will tell you if this is so) but I found if I went directly to each extension's author's homepage a 1.5 compliant version was available there .

last night

I'm tired . It's late (at least for me it feels it is ) . Just wanted to provide a quick update .

Got very drunk . My client bought 2 bottles of champagne at £100 (just for the 2 of us) in a bar we were in . I lost my jacket in this bar . My phone was in it . I need the numbers and my phone to do my job .
Went back to the hotel where I served us some drink by getting behind the bar and pouring some Guinness and a premium malt whiskey (about £20 worth of whiskey in one glass) . Couldn't speak . Went to bed only for the hotel to forget our alarm call at 7 am to catch our flights home so had to get to the airport unwashed and still in last night's clothes . And of course in packing quickly (30 seconds) I left some things in the hotel room , a new scarf and my favourite pair of jeans .

Bollocks .

men playing with odd shaped balls

Let's see what Google makes of that !

Going to Edinburgh for the rugby match on Saturday (taking a client) for a bit of corporate hospitality . Coming down with a cold though and Edinburgh is expecting a blizzard over the weekend . Might have to stay in bars a lot and drink hot whiskies . A colleague who works locally will be my guide for the apres match city tour taking in all the choicest establishments . I expect to be in jail by Sunday, broke, not feeling well and with a few disjointed flashbacks for company in lieu of memory .

and p.s. - what the fuck's wrong with Spaces today ? Where's my profile gone ?
## update - apparently my profile had an adult rating and was censored as MSN is about to add features to Spaces for Xbox 360 console owners , that'll add some quality blogs then . ##

349 , 350 , 351 ....

I've been sporadically writing this for nearly a year now (I later deleted the first couple of entries) . A whole year bar a few days . A year ago I couldn't do a hyperlink and a whole lot more . This Space has both taught me a lot and allowed me to learn a lot . A lot about the internet, computers, people and of course me . The last two are the most important . I've been exposed to new virtual friends and aquaintances, new opinions and perspectives . If I learn as much next year as I have in the last I will be a very, very wise man or at least less of a fool .

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read entries and/or leave a comment .

moving towards sex

This Christmas I've decided to do something different - buy a new house. Having picked up the keys I now have the job of making it liveable . It doesn't need much (o.k. a new gas range and kitchen, blinds, some flooring etc.) but it needs a repaint inside after filling and sanding a million picture hook holes and plugs where fittings used to be (randomly arranged of course). I spent today arranging electricity, home phone, multi room satellite - amazingly I have got the dates I wanted even though there's only 3 working days between Christmas and new year. I love it when a plan comes together although I think I slept in with my ADSL provider - they need up to 3 weeks to activate the DSL line with the phone provider. Getting my business line looks like it's going to take a while longer, probably because my company will take several days to do anything at their end to start the order process off. Twats. 1 day down and counting. Of course now I have to get a move on and get my filling, sanding and painting done around Christmas. Still, should be relatively settled by new year's eve. Did someone say party? Music, t.v., fridge - prioritise! So if I disappear for a while you'll know where I've gone unless it's new year's eve in which case even I'll not know where I am.

p.s. I hope I get some sex soon other ways I may burst. It won't be pretty. Wish me luck.

small talk

Can I be lazy and make the first proper entry upon my return one taken from the mouths of babes (or babe - singular) ?

Last Friday in an effort to overcome my daughter's fear of getting her hair wet I thought I'd be extra adult clever and con her into washing my hair while I soaked in the bath. She's not yet 2 in case you're on the phone to Social Services. Anyway, she's quite a talkative little bugger and pointed at my chest and said "boobie". I was fuckin' horrified !
"No, that's not a boobie, that's daddy's chest".
She looked again quizzically .
"Not boobie ?"
"No !"
"Mummy has boobie?"
"Yes"

Tonight - phase 2 . Plan is to wash my hair and this time get her to do it from inside the bath and if I'm really lucky she'll want some reciprocal hair washing action . Mini-me pointing at my chest with quizzical look ....
"Not boobie ?"
"No, not boobie !"
Still the quizzical look .


Time for a diet folks . Fuckin' midget !

Please wait while this page loads ...

corporate drink fest

In 45 minutes the 2005 Christmas hospitality season kicks off with my first drink. Well, apparently 'tis the season to be jolly (tra-la-la-la-la , la-la-la-laaaa). At this time of year I see more crooked toes than mistletoe, more fist fights and bitch-slappin' than peace and goodwill to all men. My memory goes through a systematic process of finding out some juicy gossip only for it to be permanently erased a few hours later. Select program, repeat. Select program, repeat. And so on.
Still, I have once again packed in the cigarettes and resolved that 2006 will be the year to reclaim my body. If only I could remember where I left it.

tempted

I hate people letting me down . I hate people fucking me around not doing what they indicated they would . I hate people who don't have any regard for the people who are my "customers" .
Last week, and rolling into this week I've been trying to obtain enough business to earn me some much needed bonus money . I need about £2,500,000 over the next few weeks before the Yuletide corporate entertainment fest takes over . With 1 client a potential £1,000,000 was/is at stake . In one hit . Through the incompetence and disregard of others I've had the week from hell spending more than half of that time dealing with only this 1 client's potential business . Days have come and gone promising breakthroughs in the morning only to be thwarted by the time the sun sets . Why is it so difficult to have everyone in the same organisation understand that what I do helps keep them employed . If I say x,y,or z is necessary then it is . Don't make up inadequate flawed cases for why we do it this way or that . In the meantime while dealing with this all of my attention is diverted from bread and butter business - so I lose twice ! So now I'm even more likely to get the most hated man in the company award (I was doing pretty well on that score anyway) . I was right at the point of telling them I'm jacking it all in several times in the last few days . Give me my mortgage lender's employment reference so I can buy my new house and you can all FUCK OFF . So close . Tomorrow and the next day I have to speak to my boss who is no doubt unhappy that I've been making these laggards unhappy . I might still tell him to fuck off . This is a work in progress .

more internet gems

2 recent sites I came across .....

link 1

link 2

Presidential briefing

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing...

He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks,
"How many is a brazillion?"


stolen from here

his only complaint

The first football superstar (long before big money came into the game) is currently in intensive care having been expected to die a few days ago . One of his famous quotes is ....

I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars - the rest I just squandered

link

He's also supposed to have bedded 3 Miss Worlds although if I wanted to nit pick - not all at the same time .

basking

My life's work is done . I have now achieved the envious position of being the number 1 website coming up in a Google search in India when looking for .....


this !


*lies back in chair, puts feet on table, hands behind head and basks in all his glory*

so much for the extra hour

B.S.T. officially ended at 3 am therefore I should be feeling the benefit of an extra hour in bed . Of course best laid plans and all that......., someone gave my daughter cheesy mashed potato yesterday at a tea-time kiddies halowe'en party (she was dressed as a witch) which I got a second look at at around 9 pm . So last evening was spent hand pre-washing the foulest gag inducing yellow sticky gunk off pillow cases and bedding . Even my goose down pillows had to be washed . But you've all been there, right ?
More later.

it's crazy but it's true ....

2 entries in 1 day - I know, anyway here's the first ...

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kanbe expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kanbe dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a,reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

wonder

The sea, it still amazes me . What must it seem like to a child ?

crash bang wallop - what a picture

Don't ask me what made this jump into my head. I was lying awake last night having been up late doing some work and Wallop! in it came. The title refers to something that happened when I was at school and about 14. One day in one of the playgrounds I was quietly minding my own business walking from A to B when I saw bearing down on me "Benners". That's not her real name. It's a convenient derivation of her nickname I'll use just in case she ever does a Google search of her real nickname and ends up here because she wouldn't appreciate what I'm going to tell you. I didn't call her Benners, only her girlfriends did (one of whom had a particularly nice arse). I called her Horse based on the fact that she was built like an East European female Olympic athlete from the 80s complete with back hair and a guinea pig under each arm. For all she was worth she tried to be as girly as possible and hung around with a really choice assortment of lovely looking girls. This was in vain however as she had ...... an over-large lower face characterised by cheeks on steroids and a nose you could cut wood with. Anyway, Benners or Horse bore down on me a grande vitesse and raised me bodily in the air only to crash down in a lump, specs broke, nose bleeding, my eye already swelling up. I wasn't happy as I picked myself up but due to the fact Horse was lying whimpering on the ground complaining about a slightly skinned knee a crowd gathered thinking I had "emptied" her (how she avoided landing on that over sized face I'll never know). Around this time some brave soul gave me a wallop which helped me complete my collection of facial injuries. Funnily enough I never did get to like her. I did however get some Karmic justice when about 3 years later her then boyfriend shared a titbit of information that haunts me to this day. For this you will have to try and imagine how she looked according to my description above then add the fact that he once inserted a Mars bar a la punani and gorged himself (Marianne Faithful and Mick Jagger style) on the resulting melted best-selling confection .

Now, can someone please help me get rid of the Horse ?

young(ish), free and single

It seems most of the blogging world is looking for sex / relationship . Perhaps even both ! As a general rule most who have these are unhappy anyway . Maybe if someone invented some way for people to meet and get it on the world would be a happier place . Oh wait, someone already did - speed dating, going to bars, personal ads, web dating etc etc .

Hmmm, your thoughts please ?

who'd have thought ... ?

I was at a birthday party last night . The most stunning person there was a friend of the celebrant - a Yemeni woman with long black slightly wavy hair and smouldering looks wearing a black strapless pencil dress . It seems dropping the Arabic word for prostitute into the conversation is an easy way to impress .

easy come , easy go

I've been looking to buy another house for about a year . Made an offer for one the other day . Got outbid by £5000 . Increased my bid by another £5000 ( so that's £10000 in a couple of hours) . Got a message on my answer phone . They accepted, other bidders pulled out . Bastards !

?

Remember this ?


This is an extract from a conversation I had earlier tonight .

Mimi, what did the Tin Man want ?
Hawwwt .
Yes . What did the Lion want ?
Couwge .
That's right . And what did the Scarecrow want ?
A Hanky .
?

buy low , sell high

E-bay never ceases to amaze me . If the ad looks fancy and has enough good info on it people will over-bid in a lemming like fashion - guaranteed . Even shit sells .
Whilst cruising E-bay for a couple of things I want I watched some computer memory items . I'm going to have be careful here so that the nerdy geek part doesn't take over . Anyway, a 1GB stick of what I wanted got bid up to £79 (it costs the same if you buy direct from the memory experts Crucial and you won't have any problems with warranties) when a higher specification 1GB stick is on sale for £39 delivered in a buy it now auction . Have you worked out which one I bought yet ? As for selling - when I do the upgrade I'll have 2 second hand 256 MB sticks . Guess what ? Yeah, it seems with a good enough ad I'll get more for my second hand sticks than they can be bought for new .

Thank God for stupid people .

a wee weep

In a house full of televisions and satellite boxes it's hard not to flick through a few channels and catch something worth watching . Tonight I was perusing the film channels and happened upon Love Actually . A few years ago I wouldn't have given a film like this the time of day but I stopped changing channels and let it wash through . I saw it a few weeks ago too,sitting in on a Saturday night, my daughter tucked up in bed . Hugging a large glass of merlot I sat there getting emotionally involved at all the to-ing and fro-ing in each of the relationships while listening to it's fantastic soundtrack . Now don't get me wrong, it's not Oscar material because it's a feel good movie with stories of love lost, but there are half a dozen performances in there that get you involved - like Liam Neeson but particularly Emma Thompson and Laura Linney . Long story short - I got a trembly chin a few times and some wet cheeks . Tonight, it was already part way through when I came upon it . And when my emotions had been engaged I drifted off to think about my daughter . I can't imagine my life without her .
Turn on the taps .

looking for something

Every day we all get strange and unusual Google searches that point to our Spaces which never cease to amaze us .
This morning's best (and non pornographic) example from mine is the following .
Of the 9800 answers found for this search mine was top .

click here



update - no, this has nothing to do with the entry dated 26th September !

a fine time

This has to be one of the best times of year - not warm, not cold - not wet nor dry - sunny or dark . The sun sets much earlier and at a time when we can't miss the shadowplay and fast changing light .

It's the last breath of summer before the winter arrives .

I love it .

click on the pic for full size

I'm really sorry ...

The title ? Just practising . O.K. - sit down and I'll tell you .

You see I went to Manchester for a work conference type thing . I only got 4 hours sleep the night before my flight so it was a long day . I met the usual bunch of colleagues some known to me, some not . There was 1 girl however - not a stunning beauty but very, veeery sexy and she's always smiling . She flirts outrageously with me and this time was no exception . She worked out early in the day that we were to be seated at the same table for dinner and when we went in to the room she changed name cards so she could sit beside me . Flirting ensued . By the time dinner had started I had already gained considerable familiarity with the best Merlot on the wine list .

• I heckled the guest speaker
  
• I had a less than positive conversation about by boss (he was sitting directly opposite me)
• I may have said or done something inappropriate with the flirter
  
• I stayed in the bar to 5 am although can't remember anything past 11 pm
  
• I told my boss's boss some things I probably shouldn't
  
• I ignored my alarm clock until exactly 8.29am when I awoke with my contact lenses still welded to my eyes - the first session of the 2nd day was starting at 8.30am sharp
  

So, as you can see Monday is a daunting day for me .

Now where was I ?

I'm really, reeeaaallly sorry .....

breathe

Often I don't know what I should write here . Sometimes I know what I want to write but know it'll take too long for me to type it in - my entries usually end up short . Today for example I had a couple of subjects I wanted to write an entry about but my plans were abruptly derailed after a quick visit to my local Co-op ( convenience store ) earlier this evening . I went round to get some essentials , bread , milk , some MDMA - you know the score . Standing in the queue for 5 minutes there is normal as there's usually only 1 old girl scanning your vitals . The queue built up and old Betsy wasn't making an impression ( she has 2 speeds , too fucking slow and stop ) so a young redhead slips in behind the counter and yells "next please" . Up I step to her till passing Betsy's customer on the way . My nostrils flare instinctively as I snort a line of ..... pure acrid sweat . But this is a young .... lady . That smell belongs on a fat fifty year old male who eats the wrong food , the poisons clogging his organs forcing liquid excrement out his pores . Forgetting my mouth was open I suck in a lung full of the sweaty haze . An involuntary gag throws my tongue forward as I reach out my hand to collect the change and I taste her disgusting smell . I couldn't have been more exposed to it if I'd pulled up her top and tongued her dripping arm pit . F U C K M E ! Ladies , if one of your brethren has an odour problem please , for the love of God do me a favour and point her to the deodorant aisle .

I've had enough ....

... Wizard of Oz . Two weeks ago in haste , a video of the classic film was bought to amuse my 21 month old daughter .
Please God , stop her crying when it reaches the end , stop her little sobbing face from blurting the heart rending "Dowoty !" . Stop her from asking the whereabouts of "Tin the man" when she wakes in the morning and when I take her home .

Grant me this and I'll be a good boy , I promise .

Leopards (2nd attempt)

Monday I spent the most of the day with a management consultant . That was interesting . No, really ! Well, interesting in different ways one of those ways being that after we'd finished our appointments and were just talking I realised he couldn't change his mode of thought . That got me wondering what he would be like if he was out for the night with his mates .....

"what'll you have, Steve?"

"Ah, perhaps the question you should be asking is what do I want to achieve from tonight, which aspect of that would make the most difference to me and why and do I have a plan in place that will help me move towards that, a plan that encapsulates the various key deliverables along the way, who will be involved and a critical path analysis which should include each person's responsibilities and agreed milestones to check our progress."

"funny you should ask that Steve . Our critical path analysis involves buying rounds each person taking responsibility to order, pay and deliver drinks to his mates and take it in turns to chat up the ugly one until the point we can't talk any more . Then we'll pick up a 2 o'clock bird at throwing out time and hope she doesn't look like this in the morning all our goals now met . Yours on the other hand involves taking a taxi home in 5 minutes which we have collectively sponsored . Oh, and Steve . Fuck off !"

leopards

Fuck . I cannot be bothered with this ! Another entry laboriously typed up and linked , hit publish and the great MSN hoover sucks it into oblivion never to be seen again .

I resign .



##update##

CUNTS

one from entry A , one from entry B

The mind boggles...

I just came across a rather strange blog space here(http://hunterschelldennotes.blogspot.com/). It is made from the work of others. Oh, I don't mean someone took bits or quotes and built new work out of them. No, this is built from the entires blog entries of others—without the usual credit, link referral, trackback or "courtesy of so and so." Posted as if the blogowner wrote these entries. I know that internet copyright laws have not managed to keep pace at the rate techonolgy requires, but surely this person must be aware that there ARE copyright laws out there.

What kind of person "borrows" complete entries and use them as his own, without some sort of acknowledgment to the original writer?

(courtesy of Jock , I know he'll see the funny side)

engagement

On Saturday night I went to a party at a friend's brother's house . Being a bit of a lad in his day it was a complete surprise to have received the text message earlier in the week from his sister . The big fool had gotten engaged and the party was going to be at his house in the country - a farmyard . Although it sounds a bit naff there couldn't be a better location, perched on a hill overlooking the town we all grew up in . As with previous parties there he'd sorted out food, a barbecue, tower lighting, gas heating and seats for the open ended barn and when I arrived it was in full swing . Part of me was looking forward to it, part not . Let me deal with the "part not" first . Last time I was there I arrived late making a grand entrance in my sexy black TT driving into the courtyard in the darkness with a boot stocked with enough drink and miscellany to guarantee the contentment of a small posse .



Having drawn everyone's attention I set up my ingredients on the tables acting as bar . White Russians all night reduced me to someone who needed a pep which of course I'd brought along . Some of his more sensible guests caught me hoovering up some when they went to use the bathroom . Unfortunately it was too late to do any good and I ran out of pep before I ran out of white Russians and I got sooo drunk I don't even remember spending the last hour of the night crawling around the courtyard trying to light cigarettes and find my car keys in full view of the audience I drew the attention of on my arrival . At some point of the night I had sex over a car too and chose to take control of the selection of music . What a dickhead . I knew that most of the same crowd would be there on Saturday night .

I was looking forward to seeing my friend . I had only seen her once or twice in the last year as she works away mostly . We'd spent a lot of years getting really good at taking drugs - she was better at it . She has also spent most of her adult life as a non-drinker but with the help of some other friends we had cured her of that , eventually ! Her younger sister was going to be there too - she used to live with me .

On arrival the first person I met was D . (D is a friend of the host's younger sister and a bridesmaid for the betrothed) . She seemed pleased to see me - we have had an occasional dalliance in the past . I'd talk to her later but wanted to catch up with the host who I had seen walking into the house . When I caught up with him he was standing in the kitchen with his fiancée . I'd been out with them the night they first met celebrating D's birthday . Anyway , his fiancée started to introduce herself ( forgetting that we'd already met ) when I interrupted with "you're a very STUPID woman!" . She remembered me now . Two of her friends immediately joined us one of them planting a soft kiss on my lips on her way to the toilet . The host announced that they were carpet munchers . She seemed familiar and I know I've seen her about in some of the city bars I drink in . For the rest of the night she engaged me in eye contact wherever she was and though her partner seldom left her side kept moving to be in my line of view right up until her taxi came . No doubt we'll cross paths again .

D was telling me she'd been to get a fitting for a bridesmaid's dress and was bitching about it . I took the opportunity to remind her about her aborted wedding - she stropped off . Blame it on lesbian lust and illicit eye contact . Anyway she works about 300 yards from where I live and she's such a fantastic kisser !

I pretty much came out of the night with no real negatives bar the hangover . The sound system was powered by an i-Pod all night , I never ended up on the floor and Percy was kept in the pants . During the summer here the nights never get completely dark , there's always a glow in the west and it was fantastic to be in the country and see the clouds silhouetted by the long set sun . Rounded off a great evening .

Can you identify this?

Just a spider attached to my bin . Not one of the usual kinds I get 'round here .






1 Sept. - UPDATE - apparently it's a type of garden spider commonly known as a cross spider . well , I've made a few spiders cross in my time so perhaps it's appropriate .
you can just about see the upside down crucifix on it's back .

Is f-u-c-k a bad word?

Is fuck a bad word ? It's origins don't come, as is popularly believed, from 19th century English prisons , fuck being an acronym for "for unlawful carnal knowledge" . The shorter f.u.c.k. was supposed to have been written on the inmates' clothing .
It actually comes from a pseudo latin word "fuccant" meaning , well ... to fuck and was spread in various forms in north european languages "fokken" dutch for thrust/copulate , focka , fukka and fock derivatives in other languages and all meaning broadly the same thing .
Do you use it ? If you were to write out the names of ten friends (include yourself) what proportion of them use the word occassionally ?

Balance

On my way to the airport to catch a flight I pulled into the airport car park
with 45 minutes to spare . On the way into the terminal I discovered I had
forgot my driving licence - so no ID to get on the plane ! O.K. let's not
panic . I live near the airport and I can go home to get it . I won't make
the flight but I can get a later one and who knows , the flight might just
be delayed anyway . So back to the car , quick jaunt through rush hour
traffic , home and back to the airport by 5.15pm - fifteen minutes before
scheduled departure . Straight over to the ticket desk "what times the next
flight ?" . "Actually that flight's delayed" I'm told . Can't believe my
luck . But ....."It's delayed until 9.15pm" . I have about an hours journey
on the other end so I don't fancy that and am offered another flight to an
alternative airport at 7.10pm . Great ! So as i queue to check in I make a
phone call to cancel the car that would have been sent to pick me up and
arrange another one to pick me up from the new airport , I should be in by
8pm . On board the captain says it will only be 25 minutes flying time due
to the fact strong winds are behind us . Fantastic ! I'm picking my bag off the conveyor at 7.45pm . At 8.30 still no-one has materialised to pick me up . I grab a taxi from the rank which costs me £70 . Fuck's sake !

Anyway , stay the night , have meetings etc. and then back to the airport this evening for a 7.30 pm flight home . You guessed - delayed for 2 hours .

Just goes to show luck finds a way to balance itself out very quickly .

Human nature

I'm not sure what it is that makes some people so callous , to set out to inflict pain on others they come into contact with . Especially those whose attentions they have encouraged and sought . That's a special kind of cruelty . The premeditation involved just makes it all the worse . Perhaps when we were young children we caught spiders in the palm of our hand and took delight removing their legs one by one or cut a worm in two . We did this because we didn't know better but we grew out of it very quickly . Some are unable to leave this developmental stage and despite gaining a wealth of knowledge and honing talents their fascination is now attuned to emotional decapitation . Obviously it's Pariah I'm speaking of . He has cultivated his audience through subtle manipulation . At times he's picked fights he realised he shouldn't have or caused offence to someone he values ( though he denies valuing anyone who visits ) and had to backtrack making whatever excuses or apologies were necessary . But something's always been bubbling under the surface . He needs to hurt others , he enjoys it and anyone could be next . I take no joy from watching that . I'm done with pulling legs off spiders . I'm not like him .


I know he'll show no real discomfort from my words , but I know he occasionally visits and will no doubt read them . He'll probably have a well worded rebuke of some sort on his Space and will either do
1. the "whatever" rebuke or
2. the "unload" rebuke or
3. ignore it altogether if he thinks this is the most likely way to cause me offence


If others continue to visit his Space I'll think none the worse of them , this is my choice - I'd feel uncomfortable watching that spectacle any longer . A disingenuous smile and a dagger thrust up through the ribs just doesn't do it for me .

Early Autumn

Summer, it seems, is cancelled this year . The leaves are already turning and the nights are well and truly drawing in . I took a walk on Saturday to a tower near where I used to live . On the way back I took a few shots . The light was incredible with the soon to be setting sun backlighting the trees with a neon green . The only sounds to be heard was the deafening buzz of thousands of flies, wasps and bees as they raced against the changing seasons . Long shadows and shafts of light mottled the paths .
This is a panorama I assembled from 21 shots on the way back to the car . I wish I'd recorded the sound too . To see it click on the thumbnail below . When it opens up click on it again to see it full size .

just one more for the road please

Cameroon's got the right idea . Or more accurately the beer companies in Cameroon . Rather than type up my version of this I'll just cut and paste from the BBC - It's o.k. , I pay my licence fee .

Cameroon's beer bottle 'currency'

Cameroonians are among the biggest alcohol consumers in Africa

Beer bottle caps are being used as currency in parts of Cameroon, which is in the grips of a promotion frenzy by rival breweries.

Intense competition between beer companies has seen 20 million bottles given away since the start of the year.

The prizes, which are revealed beneath the bottle top, include mobile phones, luxury cars and of course more beer.

With a beer costing $1, some punters are using their winning bottle tops to pay for taxi rides.

Big drinkers

"Virtually every consumer of beer in Cameroon has a chance of winning," says local journalist Martin Etonge in the capital, Yaounde.

"Sometimes you go out just for a bottle and you find yourself coming back with four or six free bottles because of winning caps.

"A bottle of beer costs about $1 and that's just over the cost of a township taxi drop."

He says five beer caps would be enough to cover someone's taxi expenses for a whole day.

"Taxi drivers are also using the caps in their fishy deals with the traffic police," adds Mr Etonge. "So they can get off by giving one or two caps to the officers."

He says Cameroon traditionally has one of the highest levels of alcohol consumption in Africa and authorities have not expressed concern about the current trend.

"Nobody seems to be worried about the health implications," he says. "The government is saying nothing about it. But people are certainly drinking more than before."

link


Indigo - any African holidays planned ?

shame on me

Well boys and girls . The answer . I had just met up with my friends when I spotted her . X came up to meet me and we had a brief chat . X said I was looking very well , younger and that I'd lost weight . X too was looking very well - very tanned - she always had some colour and good skin but then she is 13 years younger than me . Apparently my new phone number had been sought from some mutual friends . X asked me for it anyway and keyed it in to her phone . As she was tired and hadn't been feeling well for a day or two she said she'd be going home soon leaving her friends to continue drinking but now that she had my number would give me a ring during the week to meet up for lunch .......

Dilemma

Saturday night I went back to my old hometown to meet some friends for a drink in what used to be my local . Within 2 minutes of arriving I found sitting 6 feet away from me was an ex girlfriend ( I thought she was in New Zealand ) who is home for 3 weeks .

My question is what should you do if you meet up with an old girlfriend unexpectedly in a bar ?

1. give her one
2. get her number and give her one
3. talk as friends and agree to keep in touch
4. pretend you haven't seen her

Comments welcome .

climate change - a new worry

Just in case you're still on the fence about global warning ......what if there was an area of permafrost the size of France and Germany combined that was rapidly thawing and could release enough trapped methane to cause a larger effect than gas emissions polution .......


click the link It's happening

My opinion on the global warming is-it-or-isn't-it debate , would you let your kids be driven in a car if one of mechanics at the dealership said the brakes might not be working right ?

Do you want to take the chance ?

revenge on the 8-legged beasties

don't let the spiders get your bun

nearly £ 1 a litre - thanks George

George , this is your fault . Oil was affordable before your leap into the deserts. Now it just keeps hitting new highs . I'm glad your oil buddy friends are doing well - you should be very proud about the loyalty you've shown them and it's only cost 1800 of your countrymen's lives ( although this seems to keep hitting new highs too ) . Still , contracts never come cheap do they ?


I'm paying 96.9 pence per litre for fuel . At 4.54 litres to an Imperial gallon that's about £4.50 a gallon - best part of $8 .


George , you truly are a cowardly , conniving , pseudo-Christian hypocrite . Your people deserve better . Shit , I deserve better !

Pestilence

No , I'm not still talking about comment spam . Last year I had a mouse problem . They weren't in the kitchen but running under the floorboards in the bedrooms and above the 1st floor ceilings in the roof space . I got friendly traps which they didn't take to - more fool them - and quickly went for old style traps . Within minutes the little buggers had decided to throw themselves into the traps with gay abandon and I could quite happily watch my favourite t.v. programs to the accompaniment of rodent neck snapping . If I didn't clear them often enough they turned cannibal and started nibbling on their furry brothers' still warm corpses . All was going well and I'd worked out that they were coming from my neighbour's house . Whilst laying traps in the roof space I encountered pestilence number 2 - giant mother fucker queen wasps . You can empty an entire can of wasp killer on them but it only makes them slightly dizzy and really pissed off . After hours of nervously clearing debris left by the previous owner in crawl spaces I contented myself that there were no nests and the morning ritual of dodging them in the bathroom came to an end .

Some months have passed and I reckon the neighbour has got to grips with his mice city but still occasionally hear the odd scurry - perhaps an elderly wheel chair bound mouse who was abandoned by his kin or could it be something else ? Current thinking is that pestilence 3 is most likely bats .

I'm long past the days of Sunday School but perhaps someone could enlighten me . Are locusts , plague and famine still ahead or should I just crack open another can of Guinness ? If a sacrifice is necessary I'm not sure what currency God accepts these days so some help on that would be welcome too .

tomorrow will be spread the spam day

Are you like me ? Approachable but not universally welcoming ? Selective at who you choose to speak with ? O.K. , then you can read on .

I don't want to sound like a grump but these days when complete ( even in the web sense ) strangers pop round Spaces spamming the comments sections with things like "spread the love" - they really fuckin' wind me up . They grow like a virus as a few others join in .

I don't need your love and any I want to share I'll share by visiting a person's Space and leaving a comment which has something to do with something they've written . It could be Hard love or Empathic love , Humorous love or Love love . But it won't be Spam love .

My house has a garden . It's not exactly how I'd want it to look . Some of the hedges are being eaten by ivy . Weeds are popping up through the pebbles . The whole thing runs off at a slant . Nobody would say it's the nicest garden they'd ever seen . All those things are wrong and ultimately they're down to me , but I wouldn't let the neighbour's dog shit in it .

D'ya get me ?

500 firefighters getting hot and sweaty

Now , this doesn't light my candle but I know how you girls ( and some boys ) get all in a lather at the site of a man in uniform whose ressusitation skills can suck start a Harley Davidson .

So , if you're at a loose end this weekend , here's where you'll find them .... link

Londinium - the return

Just a quick one ....

Well , there was no fancy restaurant - we ate in the board room ( have I spelt that right ? ) . Views were exchanged and nobody took offence . This wasn't how I'd planned it ! Meal over @ 9 so out to take in the evening air , a Marlboro red and some Guinness .
Down to Covent Garden to mingle with the tourists and then off to Farringdon on the advice of a colleague . No lap dance bars and in bed by 4 .
All very sensible . Not a huge lot happens in London on a Wednesday night , most bars seem to shut early .
Pre-arranged wake-up call @ 7.00 to get up , cleaned and breakfasted . Just 5 more minutes ..... woke up at 8.45 , plane leaves at 9.05 - I thought the flight was 10.30 ish . Even Scotty couldn't have beamed me in on time for that one .
So just when I think it's all going smoothly and I've acquired some wisdom I'm proved wrong .

Time to brush up on the "I was supposed to be on the 9.05 flight , but..." conversation . It always ends with a credit card number .

So much for the corporate freebie .

Londinium

I've been summoned to see someone right at the top of the organization I work for . He's the top guy in the U.K. . His number 1 underling will also be there - this is my boss's,boss's,boss . The one I told their annual get together in January was shit . To his face . Two weeks after I started . How I wish free drink and diplomacy mixed .

So , anyway , invitation to a top London restaurant to hear me give "my frank opinions on the organisation and my experiences over the last six months" . I really hope my boss's boss's,boss has told him what to expect . That's the problem with people like that . They always ask me what I'm thinking even though they know I'm outspoken . Never in a million years does it seem to occur to them that I actually will . Then I get the phone call from my boss telling me that my boss's,boss has been on to my boss's,boss's,boss to ask him what I said . Are you still with this ? So , invariably people start to make apologies for me , or should I say on my behalf .
This is where it gets really painful . Why ? Because now my boss's,boss's,boss's,boss ( the top man , the big kahuna ) who's become my buddy , knows I'll tell him .

I'm not playing the game very well am I ?

Taxi !!

- Thanks Sonia ( you bas.....)

I know everyone has already done one of these - I think ( can't be arsed looking back to check ) that this is the first one of these I've done . I'm quite private so I've been sitting waiting for the right moment to do this . I'm tired and weak , just enough energy to hit "publish entry" .

Three screen names you have had (other than this one):

For security reasons I don't tell anyone – no exceptions

Three things you like about yourself:

My eyes

My cutting sarcasm and dry wit

My determination

Three things you hate/ can improve about yourself:

Discipline ( or lack of ) - sort of conflicts with one above

Procrastination – gonna get round to sorting that out one day

Eat healthier – very sweet tooth , my dentist will vouch for this

Three parts of your heritage:

Irish

Scottish

What ? You want me to make 1 up ?

Three things that scare you:

Heights – though I've climbed a mountain

Water ( can't swim ) - though I've scuba dived and jet ski-ed

The thought of going blind – still working on that

Three of your everyday essentials:

News

The internet

My car

Three things you are wearing right now:

Damn , I'm gonna have to put something on .....

Three of your favourite bands or artists at the moment:

Faithless

1 Giant Leap (o.k. These two are constants , so what ? )

Radiohead

Three new things you want to try in the next twelve months:

Visit Eastern Europe – possibly September

A vasectomy

At least 7 hours sleep a night

Three things you want in a relationship (love is a given):

Room to breathe

Humour

Spontaneous sex

Now that I look at those any man could have written them

Two truths and a lie, in no order:

I worked in intelligence

I can use a Kalashnikov

I only choose to live in places where I can piss in the back garden

Three things about the sex you are attracted to that appeal to you:

Smile

Nice skin

A good dress sense

Do I have to stop at 3 ? - I suppose that weeds most of them out for a start

Three things you just can't do:

I can do anything – I just choose not to

Three of your favourite hobbies:

Taking pictures

Drinking- pathetic I know

Snowboarding – two truths and a lie , right ?

Three things you want to do really badly right now:

Retire

Have another cigarette I don't need

Stop smoking

Kill Paris Hilton

Learn how to count

Three careers you're considering:

Full time masseuse guinea pig

Bank robber

The one I'm supposed to be in

Three places you want to go on vacation:

Vietnam again

Japan – they're completely nuts

Venezuela

Three kids names:

Naimh ( pronounced Neave )

Aoife ( pronounced Eefa )

Connor – you can manage this one on your own

Three things you want to do before you die:

Learn at least 1 language fluently – English would be a good start

kILL pARis HiLToN - sorry getting twitchy

Lose 1 1/2 stone - well , funerals , big day and all that - you wanna look your best

Three people who have to take this quiz now!!!:

MizzVee

Michael

I leave this last spot open – first one to volunteer can have it