Ho-ho-ho

I haven't been blogging or commenting much lately though I still take time to stalk some blogs here and there. New job, away a bit and numbness (cause unknown but I suppose a visit to a doctor might help) in some of the fingers on my left hand have played their part.

I just wanted to say Merry Christmas. If you're a non-Christian raised type and have another religion I'm still saying Merry Christmas because, well.... it is Christmas and I'm not the sort of P.C. arsehole who's gonna go round pretending it's not (lest any petals take offence).

Enjoy your presents, family, loved ones (usually they're different people, let's face it), eat sensibly, drink irresponsibly and I might see you all on the other side, or not. Personally I intend to be so bad that I'm going to need an elevator to take me up to St. Nick's.

collect your Christmas wish

Wishing everyone a relaxing Christmas .

last gasp

Braved the hordes. In early out early, right? No. Just got sucked in like a big bowl of treacle. Got out at 3pm - 1 present left to get after 5 hours and sore feet. Time to go do some hole filling at the new shanty. Next year .... I'll be soooo organised. Like in April, when you see what would be an ideal present for someone - buy it ! No fucking about. No messing. You won't remember come November when you spend 6 weeks looking for inspiration only to buy what's left when it boils down to the last 48 hours. I feel a "10 things you learned about Christmas but will forget next year" entry coming on.

presents

Being that Christmas is only 2 1/2 weeks away now and I haven't started shopping yet I was just wondering . How late should you leave it before braving the hordes of once a year shoppers ?

corporate drink fest

In 45 minutes the 2005 Christmas hospitality season kicks off with my first drink. Well, apparently 'tis the season to be jolly (tra-la-la-la-la , la-la-la-laaaa). At this time of year I see more crooked toes than mistletoe, more fist fights and bitch-slappin' than peace and goodwill to all men. My memory goes through a systematic process of finding out some juicy gossip only for it to be permanently erased a few hours later. Select program, repeat. Select program, repeat. And so on.
Still, I have once again packed in the cigarettes and resolved that 2006 will be the year to reclaim my body. If only I could remember where I left it.

what xmas teaches us

from the title i suppose you think this entry is going to be theological . i can start by telling you therefore that i won't be talking about baby jesus , god and any of the 3 commandments .

every xmas we go through a similar ritual , like it or not . this year i decided to note down some things in the vain hope that from my knowledge i will avoid some of the perenial xmas problems and issues next time . so , in my now customary list mode i will reveal what this xmas taught me ....

1. 1 yr old children and balloons do not mix .

2. get drunk before the opening of presents - that way your look of nonchalance at their gift will be passed off as a drunken haze .

3. filling the dish washer should be done by responsible , intelligent , logical ( which therefore excludes most women ) adults . specifically , dishcloths should not be thrown in the bottom of it ( that's where all the water gets out from ) , large utensils should not be placed in the path of the rotating water sprinklers and a grinding noise does not indicate that the dishwasher is working especially hard because is knows it is xmas ( more likely this is a terminal mechanical problem ).

4. there is no need to open , at the same time , red wine , white wine , a bottle of vintage champagne , when everyone in the room apart from you is driving .

5. offers to stay the night are for effect only and should not be taken up on .

6. your boring brother is boring . that's why you refer to him in the company of strangers as my boring brother . remember not to ask him any questons next year or make eye contact at any time . in fact remember to be out of the country at this time next year .

7. avoid staying out to 5 am on xmas eve - the offer of a free selection of drugs should not be allowed to influence your decision in any way .

8. treat yourself to a colonic irrigation gift voucher in good time and book the appointment for the 27th december .

9. alcohol , wrapping paper and swiss army knives are not good bedfellows . this will undoubtedly end in xmas eve tears , and stitches .

if you can suggest anything you've learned from xmas please make a comment below .

oh , and remember to sign up for automatic alerts using the link above this blog on the main page .

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thanks

have a fantastic xmas !

to all of you that read this blog and my tireless efforts at humour , i hope you have a good xmas ( and sign up for update alerts by clicking on the link above ! )

if Carlsberg made xmas ......

now , if only Carlsberg made xmas .......here's a quick wish list i put together .i've already posted to Santa , so here's hopin' .

1. wake up to find kylie's cheeks brushing my nether regions in a spoons stylii .
2. a licence to bump "flat cap" drivers off the road when the notion takes me
3. beyonce crunching pistachios in front of a roaring fire ( check out those big thighs )
4. a limo outside waiting to take me and my new friends visitin'
5. first class tickets to the caribean for new year's eve
6. a self filling bank account
7. the famous "lose 10 lbs in 10 minutes" diet works
8. all the presents i bought people are perfect
9. the satellite signal for the queen's speech is hijacked and replaced by kelly brooke's private shower video
10. ## please suggest your own no. 10 for me ( or indeed suggest your own full list )

if you have a list of your own please add it in the comments section .

have found out where the xmas doo is later this afternoon ( and therefore my leaving doo too ). somewhere called " the living room " in glasgow . supposed to be a nice place .

won't be able to blog later as i'll be plastered but please leave plenty of comments for me to come back to on wednesday /thursday .

thanks

panic buying

i've just realised that 11 months ago i scheduled in some panic buying for today .

so , there was nothing else for it - having frittered away the last good shopping saturday to xmas doing other people favours . i just had to get my shit together , seeing as i'm officially on holiday now and not working , and using the "give a job to a busy man " paradigm i'd never have found time to do it .

a.m - list .. who , what
12.45 pm - en route , shops open at 1 .
1pm - hit the ground running . 32" widescreen t.v. for my parents , well they have been talking about it , can't really afford it as they're both retired , and hey as it's xmas .....
1.30pm - shopping centre , older brother , the most selfish thick skinned tight lazy bastard i have ever known , a bottle of chateauneuf de pape . ( i've bought him and his 3 kids nice presents for years to be given in return 3 pairs of white sports socks , marked 2nds... every f ing year !! ) . everyone ends up happy with this one , he's heard the name chateauneuf de pape through james bond films ( although i think jb 's talking champagne ) . so although my brother's getting a blended white wine - still £10 a bottle - he'll go into work after the xmas break and brag to all his mates , sorry colleagues , that he got a bottle of ....... he's very into his brands is my unlikeable brother- and talking about money .
2.00pm - two goose feather and duck down pillows ( for me ) . you just can't settle for foam or fibre pillows after the real thing ,yes , they are the coke of pillows .
2.30pm - slippers ( again for me ) . now this seems a bit daft , i know , but let me explain . as men we always have the perenial gift of slippers . i would be deemed by everyone i know to be "awkward" to buy for . on the outside i'm mr easy going but on the inside i have opinions on everything including slippers . the only surprise is who you get the slippers from and how manky they look . therefore this year i've decided i'm going to ease someone's burden ( as someone had been making crude enquiries in the indoor footwear dept. ) and save myself a trip to the charity shop after xmas .
3.00 pm - brother in law - a top from next .
3.15pm - spent next 15 minutes delegating remaining awkward people out . time well spent . i always remember my time management training , the 4 D s . do , dump , diarise , delegate , thank god santa needed another vocation for the other 364 days a year !
3.30pm - set off to pick up big tv - easier than sitting in waiting for a delivery man and at least guarantees i'll be the big smarty-pants on xmas day when i arrive up at my parents' .
5.15pm - return home - most xmas headaches now taken care of .
aaaaaah ! i bloody love xmas now .
all that crap dealt with , the roads filled with drivers all doing 25 mph , and still no cigarette . things are looking good . but i've wanted a cigarette at least once an hour for the last 4 days .

today's priorities

i've just realised that 11 months ago i scheduled in some panic buying for today . also , wondering whether to got out tonight or not . still not smoking but definetly have llittle patience for hyundai drivers with flat caps . will update later

is your work party like this... ?

10 days to go to the work xmas party

this is possibly one the the highlights of the ye.. no , week . even better - i have to get on a plane to get to it so it makes it feel like a bit of an adventure ( o.k. , a not very exciting adventure but beats having your balls whacked with a 9 iron ! ) .

i enjoy a piss up . that feeling of elation you get when you have a prolonged session , especially if it starts in the afternoon - GOD , how i love that feeling of afternoon inebriation . better than coke , the slow build up of light headedness , the banter , the anticipation that this could be the best night of your life ( uh ... i don't have a binge drink problem ) .

here's the standard xmas doo format -

fly in early , 7.00 am for start of team meeting at 9 ish . there's about 14 of us .

have team meeting , blah blah , great f ing year - plans for 2005 , yada yada .. is this meeting still fucking going .. wrap up at 2.

get to the fancy lunch place - still don't know where it is . boss orders bottles of spirits for the tables - big timer ( but i like him )

name calling accelerates and as i'm leaving this xmas i expect at least 3 dickheads to call me a "judas wanker" - chefs finest efforts are reduced to baby food in vats of mine-swept drink - but chef shouldn't fret as we'll be seeing some of it again later !

tea time sees everyone pissed - you know that tunnel vision you get - and you start to look around for "free" people at neighbouring tables . she's nice , she's f ing gooorgeous , she's an ugly slapper .. she'll be the only one that makes eye contact with you .

6 ish - now here's where it all starts to go a bit pear shaped . we're all half fucked - can hardly talk . one of us ( and to conceal his identity we'll substitute the name of an american president ) Colin , wants to go visit some titty bars . this is where 14 becomes 8 + 6 . lets assume i go with the majority ( as the rest will comprise of my boss and 2 secretraries ( nothing wrong with secretaries - just that these 2 don't drink and wouldn't know what a good time was if it came up and bit them on the arse .)) now this is the stage when you're 10 ft talll and bullet proof isn't it ?

11 ish - 8 bars have been "hit" , 2 or 3 titty bars in there , did i say we were fucked yet ? Colin's needs have not been met , he's got an anal fixation - so he's always looking for some sort of hybrid pool room / lap dance bar if you know what i mean , must have been some traumatic event in his childhood !! nobody else wants to traipse round the streets looking for this unicorn .

11.15 argument/ fight starts , 8 becomes 3 , 1 , 2 , 1 , 1 . nobody can usually remember too much after this part as 2/3 hours more essential drinking is done .

some days later - the truth , or all that we'll ever know of it , is known . the rest is probably best left that way .

let me know what you expect your work party to be like ....

don't you just love Xmas!

i should be working now - but i'm just faffing about - which is how i have time to start this blog . got a new job , start in jan 2005 so until then i'm just pretending to be busy . luckily that includes lying around in a dressing gown all day , eating junk , surfing the www and working out which new company car i should pick . i know , it's a hard life , but someone's gotta do it . haven't got 1 xmas present yet - too busy , lol . anyway , just 7 more days left of work then holidays until jan 5th - yeeeeeeeh ! i'm very neutral about this time of year - don't particularly like or hate it . but a lifetime's experience tells me xmas usually involves the following -

1. trying to kop off with someone at the works xmas doo ( or vice versa ) see pics below

2. eating waaaaay too much xmas day ( check out the toilet bowl next day !)

3. feeling unwell eating dinner on xmas day because of xmas eve ( we never learn !)

4. getting crappy presents you'd never have bought yourself ( and your family's supposed to know you )

5. spending ages buying presents for "tricky" people ( aaah- it makes sense now - we're their "tricky" people !)

6. putting on 1/2 stone in less than week

7. thinking was that it ?