Alakazaam

My Mini-me is 3. She's smart. For a three year old. Knows the alphabet, can count, write her own name but struggles with chaos theory and astro-photometry. Pffft! Slacker.

Now to the point; I am particularly glide-tastic in my movement. What I mean is I can walk into a room, stand behind someone for a couple of minutes and scare the be-Jaysus out of them when they eventually realise I'm there. So....each time I "appear" on my daughter she asks me how I do it.

Eventually one day I caved in and admitted that I just think about where I want to go, click my fingers and appear. She is convinced. 110%. "Daddy, how'd you do that? Show me!"

Yep, there's Santa and the Tooth Fairy but I'm the Daddy!

Queen of the ball

If you're petty and small minded like me you'll like this. Somehow I missed the story first time round. You know Richard Branson? OK. Well he was throwing a 21st birthday party for his son, the theme of which was The Madhatter's Ball. Paris Hilton heard about the party and asked if she could come dressed as Alice, therefore guaranteeing her a starring role. Sir Dicky agreed. When she turned up however she found Tricky Dicky had asked all 60 waitresses to dress up as Alice too. To rub salt in to the wounds he deliberately asked Paris for a drink when she approached him. Quality.

p.s. do you think she's lost a contact or just about to be on the receiving end?

They're taking the piss

I saw this headline when catching up with the news this morning.

"Barry Manilow needs hip surgery"

Surely the most myopic journo ever?

"Celebrities" you'd like to push in front of a bus

Celebrity. What a misused term that is these days. Through reality shows and fly on the wall documentaries we've been bombarded through lazy programming with faces new and not so new, almost all of dubious talent. Most of the others prostitute themselves "for their fans", complete attention whores or speak/act in a way that suggests they think a different set of rules apply to them.
Everyone can be a celebrity if they can get their mug on t.v.. And the more they're on the bigger the celebrity they've become.... or so they'd like us to believe.

It's time to fight back. Time to nudge the so-called celebs in front of the bus. Here's my list of some who should meet their maker post haste.

• Paris smug Hilton
• Britney smug and extremely stupid Spears
• Tom did I tell you I'm in love Cruise
• Snoop unreformed gangsta Dogg
• Mariah royal diva Carey
• Elton ugly diva John
• Whitney powder my nose Houston
• Joan original chin now just above belly button Collins
• Victoria pouting cheap porn boob job Beckham

Feel free to add your own. If I see them I'll push them. That's a promise.

Curl up and die you self promoting bitch

On visiting some blogs I frequent I caught a piece of comment spam. You know the sort. Sometimes it's to promote selling something, sometimes (and this is even worse), it's to self promote a blog - and no acknowledgement of what's been written in the entry this piece of faecal blog waste has been dumped in. Bad manners I say. I even saw one such piece of flotsam placed on an entry where the blog owner had just written an entry about recently losing her father. I wrote a little about the subject here on my old blog. The latest piece of spam is this.....

I have opened a new MSN space and invite you to come and check it out. This is not just any regular space...this space is somewhere you can come and tell a deep dark secret, confess to anything that is plaguing you, tell a story of love lost or whatever crosses your mind, or just make a wish for all to see.

You can remain completely anonymous or leave your name, the choice is always yours! I opened this space to give advice and put my schooling to some use while im off work, i also know that we all thrive on the stories of others! I also realized we all have a secret or fantasy we are dying to tell but cant! Well come to Miss Pink's space and let it all out! Thats what it's there for! Dont be shy now...i know this space can be a huge success!

Please read the WELCOME blog for further details. My email address is also posted if you would like to send a note or add me to messenger.

Be the first to click the link and tell your deep and darkest thoughts! Cant wait to see you at the newest space that will most definatly cause a stir. And we all need that occasionally!

Best Regards,

Miss Pink.Ca

... promoting this blog. What the fuck's all that about? "Got no friends? Tell me your secrets, publicly, for all to see and mock." Great! As you can see from above and this comment page here spelling and grammar aren't important. What really takes the biscuit though is this statement...

Any idea's, suggestions, feedback is always appreciated and welcomed.

Negative Remarks against this space or the people who decide to use it for its intended purpose will be deleted and ignored.

So, that's any feedback is welcome as long as it's not critical. OK. And uninvited comments that you don't like will be deleted. Got it. Here's a comment, I'll put it here though.... "Take your 'lil pink book and stick it up your hypocritical pink arse you nosey bitch. Sideways."

Lola, tell me this isn't your wee sister.

what was said

Were you here last week?
Ah, yeah, I think I was.
Yeah, thought so. My friend recognised you. (There was no friend in site)
Are you staying in here for the rest of the night?
Not sure. I'm with a group of people.
Do you want to go to a party?
Sorry, my mate's emigrating, it's a sort of leaving-doo. I'm just going to go where everyone else goes.
Uh, OK. Do you think there's something wrong with me? (What?)
No, no. I'm just going to drink a lot and have a laugh with him before he leaves.
Do you think I'm good looking? (Oh, no.)
You're not my type. (perhaps too much tan and make up)
I'm not ?
Well, do you like the intellectual type or the sporty type? (this should do it.)
Ha, Ha. The intellectual type.
I'm the sporty type.
Ha, ha, ha. You're funny! (Oh, crap)
I'm not really.
Ha, ha.I've got the house to myself later. (What?)
I thought you said you were going to a party.
Ah, well, if I wasn't going home. You know...
Oh! Well, it sounds like you are. Enjoy your party. (Obvious, surely)
Ha, ha.You could come too. (But apparently not....)
To the party or home?
Um, with me.
I think I'll have to decline, sorry.
Do you not fancy me? (I'm sure we've done this already)
Ah, no, not really.
Are you being rude. (Perhaps)
No.
I think you are.
Well, whatever.
Don't you want to sleep with me? (Deaf or stupid?)
What! No, look I'm not interested. Sorry.
You're being nasty.
I'm not trying to be, honest. Look come half one everyone'll find you attractive.
Will you come over and talk to me later then?
Ah, that's unlikely.
Ha, ha, ha. So you don't want to kiss me now then? ( I sense a need to use the BIG ONE)
I'm, er .... gay. (I can't believe I just said that)
Fucking wanker!!

you said what?

Went to my new favourite bar on Saturday night before returning to have an impromptu party at my new house.

Quote of the evening was....


"Do you prefer the intellectual type or the sporty type?"

"The intellectual type."

"I'm the sporty type."

*pause for dumbstruck look*


Priceless.

2 saved, 2 dead part 1

Yes, still no broadband. Still on the 32 kbps dial up modem (on a good day).

Tuesday night, 8 ish. After picking my daughter up from the child minder I had taken her to visit granny and granda. So a happy mini-me returned home looking forward to her bo-bo. Lights on, defrosted home made lasagne into the ove...HOLY FUCK! Why's there no water in the fish bowl ? Why is the floor wet? Shit, Shit!! The fish (both called Nemo by the way - my daughter's idea) are lying on top of the pebbles in an other ways empty spherical bowl which has a series of spiral cracks running around it. Tiny (put your thumb and forefinger up to your eye when you say tiny) is completely motionless. Big (punch the letter B when you say this) seems still but flares his discoloured gill once. I rush to find another bowl big enough trying at the same time not to alarm mini-me who is still oblivious to the drama playing out on the kitchen worktop with what is/was her very first pets. Cupping equal amounts of fish and stones I gently lay tiny and big Nemo in a salad bowl. No wriggling in my hand, no movement in the water. Fuck. I don't want to be doing the life/death conversation yet. A wetted gill moves, both fish. They start to right themselves. After 30 minutes or so the trauma seems to be past and they return to more or less normal.

There is a God. Today he is my friend. Nemo lives!

What not to say to a woman

Men and women just don't think or communicate in the same way. No news there, I know. But if you're a man here are some things you might want to avoid saying.

What Not to Say to a Woman

• "What happened to your hair ? Will it stay like that ?"
• "Are you going to wear that tonight ? I thought you were going to get changed."
• "Birthday ? Who's birthday ?"
• "Did your clothes shrink in the drier ?"
• "Your sister is nice. What's her name ?"
• "You're how old ?"
• "Do you think you've been putting on some weight ?"
• "Look ! There's my old girl friend. Let's go over and talk to her."
• “Is that grey hair ?”
• "That's not the way XYZ did it."
• "What I really like about you is your tits."
• "Do you want to borrow my razor ?"
• "Did you have a shower earlier ?"
• "It only looks bad from certain angles."
• "Have any of your friends ever had a 3-some ?"
  
• "Why don't you get your hair cut like XYZ."
• "You remind me of XYZ."
• "That was probably the 2nd best sex I've ever had."
• "It is nice. It just doesn't really suit you."
  
• "I think you look O.K. for your age."
• "When you hit 40 I'll change you for 2 20s ."
• "If I win the lottery I'll give you half."
  
• "I thought you were taller."
• "It's just a little bit of cellulite. Nothing to worry about."
• "As long as it's quick. There's a program coming on in 15 minutes."
• "Marriage is for mugs."
• "I'd like you to be a bit more feminine."
• "Your share of the meal works out at ...."
• "What size do you wear now ?"
• "Have you always been a girl ?"
• "They look exactly the same as your other shoes."
• "Have you thought about getting one of those bras that lifts ?"
• "Pizza is a meal."
• "I know you said you just wanted a cuddle but I'm horny now."
  
• "Is it O.K. if I put the lights out before you take that off ?"
• "I still remember when you were really sexy."
• "I was only talking to her, I mean I could have - I just didn't want to."
• "Are you going out without your make-up ?"
• "I don't even like going to that bar - it's always full of young girls."
• "My tongue's got cramp."
• "All my other girlfriends were good looking but had no personality."
• "Your dress looks fine. No-one's looking at you anyway."
  

Never ever use the word "weight". Think - hole, small twigs and leaves. There is no possible way to avoid being thought of as a callous bastard after you use this word in any context about your partner - e.g. ...

"Have you lost weight ?" translated is "So you did think I was fat ?"

Feel free to add your own examples of what not to say in the comments section.

cows

"Mimi, what did you see on the train today with Granda ?"
"Cows"
"The sea ?"
"Ahuh"
"Trees ?"
"Ahuh"
"Fields?"
"Ahuh . Tiny cows daddy"

Not sure what it is, cows always come into the picture . The bovine fixation has been there for months . Big cows, tiny cows . Of course there's no such thing as tiny cows . Like when Father Dougal says to Father Ted "Jaysus Ted, aren't the cows in that field awful small ?" "No Dougal, those cows are big but faaaaaaaaaaaar away."


Father Ted DVD

last night

I'm tired . It's late (at least for me it feels it is ) . Just wanted to provide a quick update .

Got very drunk . My client bought 2 bottles of champagne at £100 (just for the 2 of us) in a bar we were in . I lost my jacket in this bar . My phone was in it . I need the numbers and my phone to do my job .
Went back to the hotel where I served us some drink by getting behind the bar and pouring some Guinness and a premium malt whiskey (about £20 worth of whiskey in one glass) . Couldn't speak . Went to bed only for the hotel to forget our alarm call at 7 am to catch our flights home so had to get to the airport unwashed and still in last night's clothes . And of course in packing quickly (30 seconds) I left some things in the hotel room , a new scarf and my favourite pair of jeans .

Bollocks .

men playing with odd shaped balls

Let's see what Google makes of that !

Going to Edinburgh for the rugby match on Saturday (taking a client) for a bit of corporate hospitality . Coming down with a cold though and Edinburgh is expecting a blizzard over the weekend . Might have to stay in bars a lot and drink hot whiskies . A colleague who works locally will be my guide for the apres match city tour taking in all the choicest establishments . I expect to be in jail by Sunday, broke, not feeling well and with a few disjointed flashbacks for company in lieu of memory .

and p.s. - what the fuck's wrong with Spaces today ? Where's my profile gone ?
## update - apparently my profile had an adult rating and was censored as MSN is about to add features to Spaces for Xbox 360 console owners , that'll add some quality blogs then . ##

small talk

Can I be lazy and make the first proper entry upon my return one taken from the mouths of babes (or babe - singular) ?

Last Friday in an effort to overcome my daughter's fear of getting her hair wet I thought I'd be extra adult clever and con her into washing my hair while I soaked in the bath. She's not yet 2 in case you're on the phone to Social Services. Anyway, she's quite a talkative little bugger and pointed at my chest and said "boobie". I was fuckin' horrified !
"No, that's not a boobie, that's daddy's chest".
She looked again quizzically .
"Not boobie ?"
"No !"
"Mummy has boobie?"
"Yes"

Tonight - phase 2 . Plan is to wash my hair and this time get her to do it from inside the bath and if I'm really lucky she'll want some reciprocal hair washing action . Mini-me pointing at my chest with quizzical look ....
"Not boobie ?"
"No, not boobie !"
Still the quizzical look .


Time for a diet folks . Fuckin' midget !

Presidential briefing

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing...

He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks,
"How many is a brazillion?"


stolen from here

crash bang wallop - what a picture

Don't ask me what made this jump into my head. I was lying awake last night having been up late doing some work and Wallop! in it came. The title refers to something that happened when I was at school and about 14. One day in one of the playgrounds I was quietly minding my own business walking from A to B when I saw bearing down on me "Benners". That's not her real name. It's a convenient derivation of her nickname I'll use just in case she ever does a Google search of her real nickname and ends up here because she wouldn't appreciate what I'm going to tell you. I didn't call her Benners, only her girlfriends did (one of whom had a particularly nice arse). I called her Horse based on the fact that she was built like an East European female Olympic athlete from the 80s complete with back hair and a guinea pig under each arm. For all she was worth she tried to be as girly as possible and hung around with a really choice assortment of lovely looking girls. This was in vain however as she had ...... an over-large lower face characterised by cheeks on steroids and a nose you could cut wood with. Anyway, Benners or Horse bore down on me a grande vitesse and raised me bodily in the air only to crash down in a lump, specs broke, nose bleeding, my eye already swelling up. I wasn't happy as I picked myself up but due to the fact Horse was lying whimpering on the ground complaining about a slightly skinned knee a crowd gathered thinking I had "emptied" her (how she avoided landing on that over sized face I'll never know). Around this time some brave soul gave me a wallop which helped me complete my collection of facial injuries. Funnily enough I never did get to like her. I did however get some Karmic justice when about 3 years later her then boyfriend shared a titbit of information that haunts me to this day. For this you will have to try and imagine how she looked according to my description above then add the fact that he once inserted a Mars bar a la punani and gorged himself (Marianne Faithful and Mick Jagger style) on the resulting melted best-selling confection .

Now, can someone please help me get rid of the Horse ?

who'd have thought ... ?

I was at a birthday party last night . The most stunning person there was a friend of the celebrant - a Yemeni woman with long black slightly wavy hair and smouldering looks wearing a black strapless pencil dress . It seems dropping the Arabic word for prostitute into the conversation is an easy way to impress .

?

Remember this ?


This is an extract from a conversation I had earlier tonight .

Mimi, what did the Tin Man want ?
Hawwwt .
Yes . What did the Lion want ?
Couwge .
That's right . And what did the Scarecrow want ?
A Hanky .
?

I'm really sorry ...

The title ? Just practising . O.K. - sit down and I'll tell you .

You see I went to Manchester for a work conference type thing . I only got 4 hours sleep the night before my flight so it was a long day . I met the usual bunch of colleagues some known to me, some not . There was 1 girl however - not a stunning beauty but very, veeery sexy and she's always smiling . She flirts outrageously with me and this time was no exception . She worked out early in the day that we were to be seated at the same table for dinner and when we went in to the room she changed name cards so she could sit beside me . Flirting ensued . By the time dinner had started I had already gained considerable familiarity with the best Merlot on the wine list .

• I heckled the guest speaker
  
• I had a less than positive conversation about by boss (he was sitting directly opposite me)
• I may have said or done something inappropriate with the flirter
  
• I stayed in the bar to 5 am although can't remember anything past 11 pm
  
• I told my boss's boss some things I probably shouldn't
  
• I ignored my alarm clock until exactly 8.29am when I awoke with my contact lenses still welded to my eyes - the first session of the 2nd day was starting at 8.30am sharp
  

So, as you can see Monday is a daunting day for me .

Now where was I ?

I'm really, reeeaaallly sorry .....

breathe

Often I don't know what I should write here . Sometimes I know what I want to write but know it'll take too long for me to type it in - my entries usually end up short . Today for example I had a couple of subjects I wanted to write an entry about but my plans were abruptly derailed after a quick visit to my local Co-op ( convenience store ) earlier this evening . I went round to get some essentials , bread , milk , some MDMA - you know the score . Standing in the queue for 5 minutes there is normal as there's usually only 1 old girl scanning your vitals . The queue built up and old Betsy wasn't making an impression ( she has 2 speeds , too fucking slow and stop ) so a young redhead slips in behind the counter and yells "next please" . Up I step to her till passing Betsy's customer on the way . My nostrils flare instinctively as I snort a line of ..... pure acrid sweat . But this is a young .... lady . That smell belongs on a fat fifty year old male who eats the wrong food , the poisons clogging his organs forcing liquid excrement out his pores . Forgetting my mouth was open I suck in a lung full of the sweaty haze . An involuntary gag throws my tongue forward as I reach out my hand to collect the change and I taste her disgusting smell . I couldn't have been more exposed to it if I'd pulled up her top and tongued her dripping arm pit . F U C K M E ! Ladies , if one of your brethren has an odour problem please , for the love of God do me a favour and point her to the deodorant aisle .

Leopards (2nd attempt)

Monday I spent the most of the day with a management consultant . That was interesting . No, really ! Well, interesting in different ways one of those ways being that after we'd finished our appointments and were just talking I realised he couldn't change his mode of thought . That got me wondering what he would be like if he was out for the night with his mates .....

"what'll you have, Steve?"

"Ah, perhaps the question you should be asking is what do I want to achieve from tonight, which aspect of that would make the most difference to me and why and do I have a plan in place that will help me move towards that, a plan that encapsulates the various key deliverables along the way, who will be involved and a critical path analysis which should include each person's responsibilities and agreed milestones to check our progress."

"funny you should ask that Steve . Our critical path analysis involves buying rounds each person taking responsibility to order, pay and deliver drinks to his mates and take it in turns to chat up the ugly one until the point we can't talk any more . Then we'll pick up a 2 o'clock bird at throwing out time and hope she doesn't look like this in the morning all our goals now met . Yours on the other hand involves taking a taxi home in 5 minutes which we have collectively sponsored . Oh, and Steve . Fuck off !"