Boarded the plane on Wednesday to find my luggage sitting behind my seat. Seat number 8. Seat number 8 of an eight seater plane that looked, smelt and felt like a 70s car inside.
For the first time I saw every single passenger pay attention to the safety briefing on what had turned into a blustery day. Every single mile of the flight would take place over water. Cold water. Five minutes and you're dead water. I line up The Smiths on my MP3 player.
It's that time of year. The time when I pack up my suitcase and worry twice as much about work as I do when I'm actually supposed to be working. This year's photo scrapbook will be of Marbella. When I return it may be to resign. Something for me to think about.
Hotels. Hate them. Or at least the last one I stayed in. Two nights in a row they couldn't take me for dinner when I needed fed and the head waitress seemed to smirk gleefully when telling me. I'll have her, down one of the back corridors. Quick twist of the neck from behind. Two crunches and she's a floppy doll. She'll never see it coming. And then on the second night when I did eventually get seated I was on my main course and still no sign of the wine so they gave me a full bottle. I had death in my eyes and they chose wisely. Gave me a bottle of Chilean red. House of the Devil was the literal translation of the label. I'd agree. Bloody dinner had obviously not been made fresh but had been reheated in an oven or microwave. More neck cricking to be done in that establishment I fear.
Got to keep moving. Very busy trying to get some work done before my hols. Plenty of stuff needed on the personal front too. Must make a list. Must get stuff on the list. Arrange holiday parking. Arrange airport transfers. Must start to pack.
Hectic couple of days. Planes, trains and automobiles and several miles of wearying footwork. After less than 3 hours sleep I checked in for a plane trip. I was last on the plane ....again. Not my fault this time though as the Flight Attendant/check-in person decided to invite me to an air hostess (sorry, Flight Attendant) party in a couple of weeks time. Of course I should decline (though I said I'd see if I could make it) but, given my record of normally having the ground crew have to ask the Captain if I can board, it may be a wise move as sooner or later my charm/attitude are going to let me down. And you never know, I may even have to queue less in future. When I turned my mobile on immediately after landing from my return flight it beeped a reminder at me.
Monty! Party sat 3rd june at XXXXXXXXX. 5 mins from XXXXX airport! Hope 2 c u there. Hollar nxt time u r tvl'n ! Tracy o.
Decisions, decisions.
It's been over 6 years since I was here. I remember walking up a hill in sweltering heat, cutting down through a forest where there was barely a path, eventually coming to a house overlooking a 170 degree view of a flat,warm sea. In front of the house the hill sloped away steeply down to the sea and left and right and centre were the huts built mostly from driftwood and panelling perched precariously on rocks that were each the size of these small houses, blown out and deposited, in geological terms just yesterday, from a now extinct volcano. The place was Ko Tao, barely touched by tourism, a genuine oasis in the Gulf Of Thailand protected by virtue of being 30 miles from the next nearest island. Electricity was in short supply and lighting came from a tiny petrol lawnmower engine which flickered the 40 watt bulbs until eventually running dry and leaving the hillside in perfect darkness except for the moon and stars. No tv. An honesty bar up at the house (where the only fridge was) and food growing all around (the owner's husband caught daily what you wanted for dinner). I'm sure times have moved on for it (I hear it now has 24hr seven eleven stores) and that it's less of a secret nowadays but I'm glad I sampled it's uncomplicated serenity before it's inevitably lost to development and "progress".I must think I'm working too hard!
I'd like to re-assure regular readers that I haven't died, just needed to put the pedal down a bit on the work front. I think I have just succeeded in doing enough to avoid getting into real trouble, my boss returns from holiday tomorrow so time will tell.
The London break was about a day too long but here is a quick synopsis of what I did.
Friday, travel time door to door 5hrs 50 mins. Planes, trains and auto mobiles and lots of walking involved. Exactly as predicted!
Quick shower then out to the Funki Munki where I stood at the bar with 2 mates and drank double Bisongrass and soda for 5 hours. Oh, some drugs might have been involved. And the petite barmaid was forced to come round the bar (she was even shorter this side) and drink shots with us between rounds - 'cos obviously double Bisongrass all night makes you a bit of a lightweight).
Saturday, woke up with very sore, cut knee. No memory of how this happened or how I got home. Must have tried (unsuccessfully) to walk though. Met up with others for a meal at 7.30 after having some mid afternoon Guinness. Ate badly cooked fancy food (quail and wood pigeon followed by lavender brulee) and drank Merlot and Guinness, separate glasses of course. Went to a house party (more drugs might have been involved) getting a taxi home at 7am and falling out with the host's only invited work colleague (he fucking deserved it, the boring bull-shiting, tight-arse excuse for a man that he was). Recruited a South African girl to hit him on my behalf. She hit him much harder and more often than I had anticipated.
Sunday, breakfast at 1pm, afternoon Guinness and orientation (2 days late) followed by drinking and eating in Covent Garden and China Town like the self respecting tourist I am.
Monday, homeward bound. More planes, trains and auto mobiles.
Oh, yes..... legs. Now that I've written this I won't be able to look at that air hostess's legs when I call up my page. Shite! I was enjoying them.
Having faffed around this week I have eventually decided to take a trip to see some fiends (friends?) in London this weekend. Of course my cheap flights are long past and the only way I can justify it to myself is by going the cheapest route. This means Luton airport - London's 4th airport. A bus to the train station. A train journey into central London. A Tube (or 2) to Camberwell. And then they have the pleasure of charging me a fee for using my credit card to book it. Piss takers. Now that the so-called low cost airlines dominate short haul flights they're profiteering in every conceivable way. Bastards. For what it will cost me to get there I should expect a fucking concierge service. I mean a concierge service, although a fucking concierge service would be a good idea too after a journey like that. A one hour flight will turn into about 6 hours travel during most of which I'll have the modern day pleasure of being herded like a goat and being offered overpriced sandwiches you wouldn't eat if you'd made them yourself. Still, there's always the vain hope of the mile high club. Don't hold your breath.
Went for a drink in a town with a very small gene pool.
Lost my phone. (Idiot boss has it, get it back in post on Monday, maybe.)
Had a flight delayed.
Had a flight further delayed.
Boarded flight.
Aircraft then developed an electrical fault on the runway at take off.
Captain announced this was a different fault than the previous one!
Further delay.
Captain announces staff approaching legal working limit for shift.
Scared woman in front requests to leave the plane. Freaks out.
Staff inform her all bags will have to be unloaded to take her's off.
I stab woman to death with a pen. (I made that one up)
Woman sees me wanting to stab her with pen.
Took off.
Arrived safely at other end.
Ticket machine ate my car park ticket.
How's your day been?
On my way to the airport to catch a flight I pulled into the airport car park
with 45 minutes to spare . On the way into the terminal I discovered I had
forgot my driving licence - so no ID to get on the plane ! O.K. let's not
panic . I live near the airport and I can go home to get it . I won't make
the flight but I can get a later one and who knows , the flight might just
be delayed anyway . So back to the car , quick jaunt through rush hour
traffic , home and back to the airport by 5.15pm - fifteen minutes before
scheduled departure . Straight over to the ticket desk "what times the next
flight ?" . "Actually that flight's delayed" I'm told . Can't believe my
luck . But ....."It's delayed until 9.15pm" . I have about an hours journey
on the other end so I don't fancy that and am offered another flight to an
alternative airport at 7.10pm . Great ! So as i queue to check in I make a
phone call to cancel the car that would have been sent to pick me up and
arrange another one to pick me up from the new airport , I should be in by
8pm . On board the captain says it will only be 25 minutes flying time due
to the fact strong winds are behind us . Fantastic ! I'm picking my bag off the conveyor at 7.45pm . At 8.30 still no-one has materialised to pick me up . I grab a taxi from the rank which costs me £70 . Fuck's sake !
Anyway , stay the night , have meetings etc. and then back to the airport this evening for a 7.30 pm flight home . You guessed - delayed for 2 hours .
Just goes to show luck finds a way to balance itself out very quickly .
Just a quick one ....
Well , there was no fancy restaurant - we ate in the board room ( have I spelt that right ? ) . Views were exchanged and nobody took offence . This wasn't how I'd planned it ! Meal over @ 9 so out to take in the evening air , a Marlboro red and some Guinness .
Down to Covent Garden to mingle with the tourists and then off to Farringdon on the advice of a colleague . No lap dance bars and in bed by 4 .
All very sensible . Not a huge lot happens in London on a Wednesday night , most bars seem to shut early .
Pre-arranged wake-up call @ 7.00 to get up , cleaned and breakfasted . Just 5 more minutes ..... woke up at 8.45 , plane leaves at 9.05 - I thought the flight was 10.30 ish . Even Scotty couldn't have beamed me in on time for that one .
So just when I think it's all going smoothly and I've acquired some wisdom I'm proved wrong .
Time to brush up on the "I was supposed to be on the 9.05 flight , but..." conversation . It always ends with a credit card number .
So much for the corporate freebie .
This weekend the Chinese authorities allowed package tourists to visit the U.K. for the first time . The trip is a whistle stop 5 day tour of the U.K. starting in London and features an itinerary more akin to a business trip .
Unfortunately for these poor bastards the t.v. and press news teams have been following them around since they arrived filming them get off their coach , check in to the hotel and generally getting in their way every time they turn up somewhere to take their snaps for the folks back home .
Perhaps not a trip to to take the mistress on !
Still going through the holiday pics . Today I assembled a panorama from several shots I took out at Cape Greko between Protaras and Ayia Napa using Autostitch software ( which is free ! ) .
It does a fantastic job as long as you take the pics in a certain way .
Click on the thumbnail image to see the full pic .
You can download the full size image from there and save it to your hard drive to zoom in and have a better look at it through Windows Picture viewer or your photo software .
Of course , you could also decide to go on a boat trip . Check out the bottom half of this flyer .
Some router troubles tonight , now solved .
Anyway , not good to be back - although the temp. drop is appreciated - has been 100 degrees in Cyprus just before coming back .
Here's the very , very condensed version .
I'll pop some photos on each day as I get time . Here's one for starters .
Why is it sooo bad to get back home ?
Arrived back in the early hours , got to do the inevitable and ring in to work now and discover what fuck-ups occurred in my absence .
Can't find my car keys .
I have a feeling I will be playing catch-up all day .
Will post something later and hopefully will have some photos uploaded by then .
in Cyprus it's
I'm probably -
Wish I'd made a poll for that now !
