Thursday, December 30, 2004

what a difference

thanks to everyone who i bullied into doing links , e-mails etc re the charity links for the diaster appeal . if you haven't already please read the previous blog entry - your help is needed . normal disrespectful servive will resume on this blog shortly !



(This entry was originally preceeded by an entry I'd done on the 29th Decmber to raise money for the 26th December Asian Tsunami relief effort, now deleted.)

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

you are now entering the dead zone

this time of year's a bit strange , isn't it . celebrated xmas , done the family thing and the gorging and drunkeness , kissed relations ( no tongues ! ) .

so now we're trying to make plans for new year ( which always seems an anti climax to me ) .

this year i'm undecided ( again ) . do i go into the city - pay double taxi fare , go into a massively overcrowded bar after queueing for ages to be not served drink at anything like the pace i want to drink it at , fight for my return taxi later , which will be 1 hour late . or do i invite a crowd round to the house who will leave at dawn after sticking all my best cds together with some obscure made up cocktail , and spend the next 2 days putting the house back together . or then again , should i just seek the solace of a beautiful funny girl , cook and drink wine , get properly chilled and play beat the clock .

not easy .

p.s. beautiful funny women can apply for this position . please fill in the application form below giving reasons why you feel you are suitable .

p.p.s alternative suggestions for new year's eve plans are also welcome

Monday, December 27, 2004

what xmas teaches us

from the title i suppose you think this entry is going to be theological . i can start by telling you therefore that i won't be talking about baby jesus , god and any of the 3 commandments .

every xmas we go through a similar ritual , like it or not . this year i decided to note down some things in the vain hope that from my knowledge i will avoid some of the perenial xmas problems and issues next time . so , in my now customary list mode i will reveal what this xmas taught me ....

1. 1 yr old children and balloons do not mix .

2. get drunk before the opening of presents - that way your look of nonchalance at their gift will be passed off as a drunken haze .

3. filling the dish washer should be done by responsible , intelligent , logical ( which therefore excludes most women ) adults . specifically , dishcloths should not be thrown in the bottom of it ( that's where all the water gets out from ) , large utensils should not be placed in the path of the rotating water sprinklers and a grinding noise does not indicate that the dishwasher is working especially hard because is knows it is xmas ( more likely this is a terminal mechanical problem ).

4. there is no need to open , at the same time , red wine , white wine , a bottle of vintage champagne , when everyone in the room apart from you is driving .

5. offers to stay the night are for effect only and should not be taken up on .

6. your boring brother is boring . that's why you refer to him in the company of strangers as my boring brother . remember not to ask him any questons next year or make eye contact at any time . in fact remember to be out of the country at this time next year .

7. avoid staying out to 5 am on xmas eve - the offer of a free selection of drugs should not be allowed to influence your decision in any way .

8. treat yourself to a colonic irrigation gift voucher in good time and book the appointment for the 27th december .

9. alcohol , wrapping paper and swiss army knives are not good bedfellows . this will undoubtedly end in xmas eve tears , and stitches .

if you can suggest anything you've learned from xmas please make a comment below .

oh , and remember to sign up for automatic alerts using the link above this blog on the main page .


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thanks

Friday, December 24, 2004

have a fantastic xmas !

to all of you that read this blog and my tireless efforts at humour , i hope you have a good xmas ( and sign up for update alerts by clicking on the link above ! )

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Where am I .... ?

let's start at the beginning , which is actually the end . i woke up about 9 ish not knowing where i was ( this isn't a strange or unusual phenomenon to me ) . i was in a hotel room with a work colleague - now , i know what you're thinking ...... . well let me just say that i knew for weeks that said work colleague would probably spend the night in my room . did you have sex i hear you ask , did you make the beast with 2 backs ? well no , i didn't and that probably had a lot to do with the fact that my roomy was kevin . so no sex or strange goings on then ? now i'll go back to the beginning .

kindly, someone had rearranged my flight to a more sensible time so i waddled into the airport with the customary 20 mins to departure , walked straight past everyone and went up to the close out desk where i proceeded to piss off the check in lady by not having my driving licence to hand . i'm not sure what her rush was here as she gleefully told me the flight was 55 minutes late . my boss was getting this flight too , he arrived later having got his secretary to do the sensible ring ahead thing . went through the 2 nd security screening and there's one guy who always pulls me ( it must be that "i've shot a kalashnikov" look about me ). anyway he pulled my bags to bits and then proceeded to check every one of my laptop's orifices in the pursuit of some well stashed class A s no doubt ( must remember never to hide them there ! ) the 55 mins came and went and eventually the plane left. arrived glasgow , but had lost my phone . realised as soon as i got off the plane and the lady on the information desk ( i use the word " lady " but she was biologically less of a lady than i was , i mean she had a moustache and most of a beard and was probably an ex bulgarian shot putter from the 70 s fed anabolic steroids to help prove to us that communism was better ) was less than helpful so i did what every man would do in the situation and asked one of her male colleagues to check it out ( so that's the 2nd woman i've pissed off today ) . the net result was i arrived for a 12 o'clock meeting at 10 to 3 . just time to check into the hotel round the corner and change my shirt and drop down to the doo.

restaurant , very nice - food , bloody good . wine bottles and drinks rounds coming at a suicidal pace . peeps saying team meetings wouldn't be the same again , blah , blah . took a load of pics , talked a load of bollocks , was properly shit faced by tea time . went in for a bit of mutual flirting with a work colleague ( you look nice , yes you do too ..... ) female of course . i wish i could tell you more about what happened next but i can't - i was reminded i'd given my home phone no. to someone ! i lost the camera several times , once for about an hour , only for someone to find it in my pocket . don't remember leaving the bar ( but as you can tell i obviously made the right call here ) or walking home ( although i have a vague recollection of being lost ) or getting into the hotel / room . no lap dancing , no fights , am i getting dull , growing old ?

anyway , have had enough flashbacks to make me glad i can't remember more ( at least i forecast that bit correctly ) .

so , anybody want to tell me about a recent night out of their's . with the juicy bits of course !


Monday, December 20, 2004

if Carlsberg made xmas ......

now , if only Carlsberg made xmas .......here's a quick wish list i put together .i've already posted to Santa , so here's hopin' .

  1. wake up to find kylie's cheeks brushing my nether regions in a spoons stylii .
  2. a licence to bump "flat cap" drivers off the road when the notion takes me
  3. beyonce crunching pistachios in front of a roaring fire ( check out those big thighs )
  4. a limo outside waiting to take me and my new friends visitin'
  5. first class tickets to the caribean for new year's eve
  6. a self filling bank account
  7. the famous "lose 10 lbs in 10 minutes" diet works
  8. all the presents i bought people are perfect
  9. the satellite signal for the queen's speech is hijacked and replaced by kelly brooke's private shower video
  10. ## please suggest your own no. 10 for me ( or indeed suggest your own full list )

if you have a list of your own please add it in the comments section .

have found out where the xmas doo is later this afternoon ( and therefore my leaving doo too ). somewhere called " the living room " in glasgow . supposed to be a nice place .

won't be able to blog later as i'll be plastered but please leave plenty of comments for me to come back to on wednesday /thursday .

thanks

Sunday, December 19, 2004

panic buying

i've just realised that 11 months ago i scheduled in some panic buying for today .

so , there was nothing else for it - having frittered away the last good shopping saturday to xmas doing other people favours . i just had to get my shit together , seeing as i'm officially on holiday now and not working , and using the "give a job to a busy man " paradigm i'd never have found time to do it .


a.m - list .. who , what
12.45 pm - en route , shops open at 1 .
1pm - hit the ground running . 32" widescreen t.v. for my parents , well they have been talking about it , can't really afford it as they're both retired , and hey as it's xmas .....
1.30pm - shopping centre , older brother , the most selfish thick skinned tight lazy bastard i have ever known , a bottle of chateauneuf de pape . ( i've bought him and his 3 kids nice presents for years to be given in return 3 pairs of white sports socks , marked 2nds... every f ing year !! ) . everyone ends up happy with this one , he's heard the name chateauneuf de pape through james bond films ( although i think jb 's talking champagne ) . so although my brother's getting a blended white wine - still £10 a bottle - he'll go into work after the xmas break and brag to all his mates , sorry colleagues , that he got a bottle of ....... he's very into his brands is my unlikeable brother- and talking about money .
2.00pm - two goose feather and duck down pillows ( for me ) . you just can't settle for foam or fibre pillows after the real thing ,yes , they are the coke of pillows .
2.30pm - slippers ( again for me ) . now this seems a bit daft , i know , but let me explain . as men we always have the perenial gift of slippers . i would be deemed by everyone i know to be "awkward" to buy for . on the outside i'm mr easy going but on the inside i have opinions on everything including slippers . the only surprise is who you get the slippers from and how manky they look . therefore this year i've decided i'm going to ease someone's burden ( as someone had been making crude enquiries in the indoor footwear dept. ) and save myself a trip to the charity shop after xmas .
3.00 pm - brother in law - a top from next .
3.15pm - spent next 15 minutes delegating remaining awkward people out . time well spent . i always remember my time management training , the 4 D s . do , dump , diarise , delegate , thank god santa needed another vocation for the other 364 days a year !
3.30pm - set off to pick up big tv - easier than sitting in waiting for a delivery man and at least guarantees i'll be the big smarty-pants on xmas day when i arrive up at my parents' .
5.15pm - return home - most xmas headaches now taken care of .
aaaaaah ! i bloody love xmas now .
all that crap dealt with , the roads filled with drivers all doing 25 mph , and still no cigarette . things are looking good . but i've wanted a cigarette at least once an hour for the last 4 days .

Saturday, December 18, 2004

today's priorities

i've just realised that 11 months ago i scheduled in some panic buying for today . also , wondering whether to got out tonight or not . still not smoking but definetly have llittle patience for hyundai drivers with flat caps . will update later

Friday, December 17, 2004

last day in the job

well , still not buying smokes ( sounds like i copped out , doesn't it ) , or smoking . let's see if i can make this stick this time - if i needed a transplant i'd probably end up getting alex higgins's lungs or something anyway . doctor- you been bad before ?.... yep . you ever taken drugs ?..... , yep . you ever regularly drank til you couldn't talk ?.... that's me - have i passed ?

not clever i know , but we gotta try these things . anyway , relatively sensible these days , keep my vices limited to no more than the number of fingers on 1 hand , excluding the thumb . allright then - 4 or less , actually an absolute maximum of 4 . now before you all write nasty comments , how many vices do you have ? there ya go then . no , sensible that's me from now on - all that partying makes you age too quickly anyway , i should be due some bonus money soon which i've no problem spending on a chemical peel . and a new leg . if it's not too late already ...

i've been asked where my profile is - it's simple really - i've no scanner and every digital photo i've got has me behind the camera - i am a bit camera shy anyway so the ones in the album are friends ( or strangers ! whose pics i've stolen ) . but will sort it out soon , post chemical peel and stump scar tissue recovery . as you can see in the pic i'm also developing quite a fetching hump . that reminds me of a joke ... quasimodo goes to the doctor for the first time in years , never had his hump checked out before and his brother joemodo talks him into it . so at the doctor's he's takin' off layer after layer ( he hasn't changed his clothes in years ) . eventually he finishes undressing and calls the doctor behind the screen - the doctor asks "quasi , do you remember ever losing a schoolbag ? "

wish me well for my last day , the sniff ,sniff , emotional clear out of the office desk , throw out all the things i'd stashed away as i wasn't supposed to have them ( especially the things i said were stolen at the time of the break-in - but that was a genuine mistake ) .

fill ya in later .

Thursday, December 16, 2004

37 hours of not smoking

a bad habit , i know , was off them for over 2 years until about 5 months ago . then had 1 .....you know how it goes . best time to give up is after a bad hangover when you've gone out and eaten cigarettes the night before . feeling a bit druggy now so will update later with my progress - must go out now and get some fast-food mctoxins in me . still , there is hope .

http://www.mdanderson.org/diseases/lung/display.cfm/?id=93253c19-30e6-4327-b7c769b55941ee6e&method=displayfull&pn=033766c5-832a-11d4-aec800508bdcce3a


Wednesday, December 15, 2004

comedy , hotel $ex , human pinball and the slurry tank ...

it was a normal day - a lunch ( in aid of charity) - full to the brim with the profession's biggest wigs . and egos . if truth be known ego had the better over ability in that room . 1pm , so the comedian started his slot - he's done this gig for the last 3 years , quite impressive - and he must like his routine really well cos that's the 3rd time i've seen it . 5 of the jokes were funny , the other 200 were , well let's be kind , shite . however , so that they didn't look unintelligent the big wigs laughed loudest , even the guy with the frighteningly bad st st st stammer laughed at the joke about the stammerer , it just took him a bit longer to get his la la la la laughter out than everyone else . the aussie head hunter who poached me 4 yrs ago was there - sitting at my table , she was so petite , long blond hair and shortest skirt i've seen at one of these things . she won the raffle and then feigned embarrassment at having to walk across the dance floor in her impossibly high heels and unbeleivably short skirt . she later said that as she was on a head hunting mission she didn't want to attract attention - slap it into her .

by 3 pm the head hunter had been ass hunted and was being "given a lift to her hotel" - i like euphamisms as well as the next man but they might as well have said "we're off for some champagne , a hot soapy bath and sex until at least one of us is raw "

i'll move on quickly - cos as is normal on these type of days , as the drink piles in the day seems to accelerate . so here's a resume -

the entire gathering moved wholesale to a bar across the road and formed a human pinball machine . what i mean by that is , groups of colleagues huddled in exclusive bunches not interacting with the other bunches . the odd few individuals who came on their own or who nobody liked bounced between these bunches for hours before eventually dropping through the double doors on their way out ususally followed by a chorus of " fuckin' dickhead ". sound like pinball to you ? the usual middle aged lush found her face had melted by tea time and was sliding down her neck . then she slid off her seat . she does it every time - it's like she roofy's herself . someone ordered a taxi to remove the mess from the floor .

i'm 6 pints in and a bottle of red , so obviously it's a good idea to go to an indian . 6 of us - i only knew most by name but that's all - hey, do you find out a lot about someone after they've had a few . but the food was lovely which more than made up for the bollocks i had to listen to . subjects - religion , did they land on the moon , missed out god ? , sex - see all the usual subjects . course a lot of discrete and indiscrete flirting .

when the drink's in the wit's out ! waiter , another bottle of merlot please . ( i didn't say i was clever did i ?)

anyway , as is my take in new company , say less than everyone else , by default you end looking deep and mysterious or at the very worst put your foot in it less than the others ( o.k. , i've spilled the beans to you guys so you already know it's quite shallow ) . so , the women are keen to invite me out again - intrigued i think - works every time . not that i'm that interested - that's just my way of making an evening in strange company interesting , my coping mechanism .

needless to say today wasn't easy . i took hours to sober up , looked like a bag of premium grade shite and had my colon converted into an industrial strength slurry tank . ( now emptied and rinsed )

i'll leave you with that thought !

it was a normal day - a lunch ( in aid of charity) - full to the brim with the profession's biggest wigs . and egos . if truth be known ego had the better over ability in that room . 1pm , so the comedian started his slot - he's done this gig for the last 3 years , quite impressive - and he must like his routine really well cos that's the 3rd time i've seen it . 5 of the jokes were funny , the other 200 were , well let's be kind , shite . however , so that they didn't look unintelligent the big wigs laughed loudest , even the guy with the frighteningly bad st st st stammer laughed at the joke about the stammerer , it just took him a bit longer to get his la la la la laughter out than everyone else . the aussie head hunter who poached me 4 yrs ago was there - sitting at my table , she was so petite , long blond hair and shortest skirt i've seen at one of these things . she won the raffle and then feigned embarrassment at having to walk across the dance floor in her impossibly high heels and unbeleivably short skirt . she later said that as she was on a head hunting mission she didn't want to attract attention - slap it into her .

by 3 pm the head hunter had been ass hunted and was being "given a lift to her hotel" - i like euphamisms as well as the next man but they might as well have said "we're off for some champagne , a hot soapy bath and sex until at least one of us is raw "

i'll move on quickly - cos as is normal on these type of days , as the drink piles in the day seems to accelerate . so here's a resume -

the entire gathering moved wholesale to a bar across the road and formed a human pinball machine . what i mean by that is , groups of colleagues huddled in exclusive bunches not interacting with the other bunches . the odd few individuals who came on their own or who nobody liked bounced between these bunches for hours before eventually dropping through the double doors on their way out ususally followed by a chorus of " fuckin' dickhead ". sound like pinball to you ? the usual middle aged lush found her face had melted by tea time and was sliding down her neck . then she slid off her seat . she does it every time - it's like she roofy's herself . someone ordered a taxi to remove the mess from the floor .

i'm 6 pints in and a bottle of red , so obviously it's a good idea to go to an indian . 6 of us - i only knew most by name but that's all - hey, do you find out a lot about someone after they've had a few . but the food was lovely which more than made up for the bollocks i had to listen to . subjects - religion , did they land on the moon , missed out god ? , sex - see all the usual subjects . course a lot of discrete and indiscrete flirting .

when the drink's in the wit's out ! waiter , another bottle of merlot please . ( i didn't say i was clever did i ?)

anyway , as is my take in new company , say less than everyone else , by default you end looking deep and mysterious or at the very worst put your foot in it less than the others ( o.k. , i've spilled the beans to you guys so you already know it's quite shallow ) . so , the women are keen to invite me out again - intrigued i think - works every time . not that i'm that interested - that's just my way of making an evening in strange company interesting , my coping mechanism .

needless to say today wasn't easy . i took hours to sober up , looked like a bag of premium grade shite and had my colon converted into an industrial strength slurry tank . ( now emptied and rinsed )

i'll leave you with that thought !

Monday, December 13, 2004

all women are b..... ( part 1 )

so , where do we begin in the counter argument for all men are b..... ? we all know that men and women think differently - ok , but here's the rub , men know that women are completely different and can't be changed and learn to deal with it whereas women think men aren't that different to them and possibly can be changed / trained . to start off with and just to get everyone onboard with this concept let's look at a few examples of things you'd never hear your girlfriend say .

1. drive faster

2. you know , i don't think you've had enough to drink tonight

3. i apologize unreservedly, you are always right about these sort of things

4. you can get a better look at her cleavage from where i'm standing ( and not in a sarcastic way )

5. one of my mates fancies you and would like to have some no-strings sex

6. no , i think it's a good idea to go out with your friends 2 nights in a row , you deserve it

7. it is much too early for me to consider moving into your place , what was i thinking ?

8. i don't trust you as much as i should

9. i like all of your friends and think they set a good example for you

10. i realise this started off as convenient fun and i'd like very much to keep it that way

now girls , how many of those 10 can you honestly own up to saying ?

and guys , how many of those 10 have been said to you ?

answer in the comments section please .

p.s. and of course not forgetting -

11. i fully understand your fascination with my sister and have absolutely no problem with you flirting with her

12. i like the way you store and organize things - your "system" really makes sense


Sunday, December 12, 2004

all women are b.........

seen a lot of blogs where men are getting it in the neck ( which they probably deserve , let's face it ) ...... so thought i'd mount a defence . well , not so much a defence as a counter argument .

so, i'll write it up later today . have i said "so" yet ? - ah , so i see i have . starting to sound like mrs bloody doyle on father ted . "weil yo haf a cup of tea , father ?" did that sound like a kerry accent ? a kerry accent's not easy to type you know !

where was i ? you can sign up for free notification of updates on my blog now ( smarty pants ) by following the instructions after you click on the link above . i'd like to make sure it's working anyway as i've just set it up .

see ya later

Friday, December 10, 2004

is your work party like this... ?

10 days to go to the work xmas party

this is possibly one the the highlights of the ye.. no , week . even better - i have to get on a plane to get to it so it makes it feel like a bit of an adventure ( o.k. , a not very exciting adventure but beats having your balls whacked with a 9 iron ! ) .

i enjoy a piss up . that feeling of elation you get when you have a prolonged session , especially if it starts in the afternoon - GOD , how i love that feeling of afternoon inebriation . better than coke , the slow build up of light headedness , the banter , the anticipation that this could be the best night of your life ( uh ... i don't have a binge drink problem ) .

here's the standard xmas doo format -

fly in early , 7.00 am for start of team meeting at 9 ish . there's about 14 of us .

have team meeting , blah blah , great f ing year - plans for 2005 , yada yada .. is this meeting still fucking going .. wrap up at 2.

get to the fancy lunch place - still don't know where it is . boss orders bottles of spirits for the tables - big timer ( but i like him )

name calling accelerates and as i'm leaving this xmas i expect at least 3 dickheads to call me a "judas wanker" - chefs finest efforts are reduced to baby food in vats of mine-swept drink - but chef shouldn't fret as we'll be seeing some of it again later !

tea time sees everyone pissed - you know that tunnel vision you get - and you start to look around for "free" people at neighbouring tables . she's nice , she's f ing gooorgeous , she's an ugly slapper .. she'll be the only one that makes eye contact with you .

6 ish - now here's where it all starts to go a bit pear shaped . we're all half fucked - can hardly talk . one of us ( and to conceal his identity we'll substitute the name of an american president ) Colin , wants to go visit some titty bars . this is where 14 becomes 8 + 6 . lets assume i go with the majority ( as the rest will comprise of my boss and 2 secretraries ( nothing wrong with secretaries - just that these 2 don't drink and wouldn't know what a good time was if it came up and bit them on the arse .)) now this is the stage when you're 10 ft talll and bullet proof isn't it ?

11 ish - 8 bars have been "hit" , 2 or 3 titty bars in there , did i say we were fucked yet ? Colin's needs have not been met , he's got an anal fixation - so he's always looking for some sort of hybrid pool room / lap dance bar if you know what i mean , must have been some traumatic event in his childhood !! nobody else wants to traipse round the streets looking for this unicorn .

11.15 argument/ fight starts , 8 becomes 3 , 1 , 2 , 1 , 1 . nobody can usually remember too much after this part as 2/3 hours more essential drinking is done .

some days later - the truth , or all that we'll ever know of it , is known . the rest is probably best left that way .

let me know what you expect your work party to be like ....

Thursday, December 09, 2004

don't you just love Xmas!

i should be working now - but i'm just faffing about - which is how i have time to start this blog . got a new job , start in jan 2005 so until then i'm just pretending to be busy . luckily that includes lying around in a dressing gown all day , eating junk , surfing the www and working out which new company car i should pick . i know , it's a hard life , but someone's gotta do it . haven't got 1 xmas present yet - too busy , lol . anyway , just 7 more days left of work then holidays until jan 5th - yeeeeeeeh ! i'm very neutral about this time of year - don't particularly like or hate it . but a lifetime's experience tells me xmas usually involves the following -

1. trying to kop off with someone at the works xmas doo ( or vice versa ) see pics below

2. eating waaaaay too much xmas day ( check out the toilet bowl next day !)

3. feeling unwell eating dinner on xmas day because of xmas eve ( we never learn !)

4. getting crappy presents you'd never have bought yourself ( and your family's supposed to know you )

5. spending ages buying presents for "tricky" people ( aaah- it makes sense now - we're their "tricky" people !)

6. putting on 1/2 stone in less than week

7. thinking was that it ?