Planets in alignment

I need to make this short. Business meeting in Edinburgh yesterday culminating in dinner in a glass boardroom on top of building directly overlooking Edinburgh Castle. Mojitos and Bisongrass followed in Tiger Lily chased by deep fried Mars bar. Back to Malmaison for a drink (or two) and bed at 2.30am.

5.20am, my alarm call to get up to catch an early flight home accompanied by my boss to spend the day doing joint meetings with him. Can you see where things might start to wrong?

It's now 5.45pm. At 7.30 I have to be at a hotel for a formal dress industry dinner (which turns into a complete piss up) and act as host to 7 guests ( 4 of which are women) including my boss.

3 hours sleep, copious amount of drink, ladies in pretty dresses and my boss. I'm fucked, aren't I?

Predictaholic

Time ticks by doesn't it? Been doing a bit of drifting. My declining post rate is down to work. I've been away a bit and when I've been home I've given myself more to do than previously which in turn generates more calls and ..... so the cycle escalates. It's not like I'm killing myself, I'm just finding new creative ways to spread 8 hours work over 17, who says executive training isn't effective? When will I learn?

On the good news front I got paid handsomely last week. Inland Revenue took an extremely generous slice and moved the decimal point over one place. Thanks tax-man!

Fitting into the fleeting passing interest/temporary hobby category that constitutes my life I've been dabbling with Linux again. Yes, that's me showing up on your stat-counter. I don't want to create the wrong impression here, I know nothing about it.

My next post will be about breasts though, that much I know.

£s and lbs

A change of job last October and some better application has seen me earn a few pounds bonus this quarter. Should get it in my pay this month so I've already made a list of things I need or want. It starts off with a new suit (or two) and finishes off with a bike, camera lens and hard drive camcorder. Obviously, although at the top of the list, the suit will be bought last, if at all.

On the subject of pounds, I've resisted fast food for a few days. Unfortunately for the previous 14 weeks I stuffed my fat face and am a fine figure of a man if your definition of such is the view at a fairground hall of mirrors. My new year goal of losing 2 stone (28lbs) by the end June is looking unrealistic. Actually getting back to 11 stone any time is probably unrealistic. But that's why the token bike is on the list. It will at least help assuage my guilt and take up the last morsel of free space in the garage thereby making it a complete no-go zone. Win, win.

the office

In my job there's two things I hate. Most.

1/ people not returning calls. These are the same people who would be leaving me sharp, angry messages on my voicemail or email if the situation was reversed. " This is the 2nd time I've left a message. I'd have have thought someone would have rang me back by now..."

Is it so difficult to return a call? How can they NOT return a call after a 2nd/3rd message is left? Cunts.

2/ e-mail building up quicker than I can delete it. "Inbox" (apparently one word according to Outlook) now sitting at 148 emails, 7 reminders (some overdue by 3 weeks), 22 items unread.

And what happened to ringing people. I work from home. Fine. Doesn't mean I AM at home all day. Please read where I wrote "do not email me as I will not have access to email until tomorrow, ring me on the number below". From now on I'm going to add "you fuckwit" to the end of that line. Let's see if anyone actually reads it, eh?

3/ (OK, I said two but I got thinking...) the twats that walk you up the path, commit to giving business after months of discussion then need something urgently 10 minutes before they intend to do the deal that will require everything being dropped in an attempt to comply with their impossible request, as they tell you that if you don't get XYZ to them in ABC minutes they'll take the business to EFG company/individual.

Those fuckers should burn. Slowly. Basted in chilli sauce.


Yep, it's a good day at the office today.

stranger than fiction

I'm still shattered from the weekend. Had my boss with me all day today and was up late last night getting ready for his visit so hope you won't mind the abbreviated version.

Oh, and a Blogger spam-bot has LOCKED my blog so this post may never see the light of day. If they delete it I'm gone. Google, there are millions of spam and commercial Adsense link blogs out there, mine is NOT one of them. Get your shit together!


Did

• get drunk
• entertain guests
• had a laugh
• convinced a client to give me £1,200,000 instead of £400,000 later this month
• drank in many, many bars
• stayed out too late
• spent lots of money
• smoked a pack of cigs (sorry Sarah, Junq)
• see Ireland inflict the worst ever defeat in England's history, 43-13

Didn't

• talk to any girls (I know!)
• fall out with my boss
• spew
• get a stingy liver the next day
• take drugs
• go to a lap dance bar

I know, I did it all wrong.

Been there, done that

Saturday sees me get the train to Dublin, where the girls are so ...well, ugly actually. Most of them. If I were a U.S. political candidate my campaign would now be over, but as I'm not and I live on this moist sod of Atlantic turf I think I can say whatever the fuck I want, within reason.

The reason for my visit isn't girls anyway, it's the Ireland vs England rugby match. For those of you with little knowledge of rugby it's what American football was based on except it's not played with cissy helmets and headgear.


Foolhardy or cheapskates, you decide. Anyway, it's arranged through work, I'm taking 2 corporate guests who get the full corporate entertainment package £400/$800 worth plus hotel drink and transport. There's no room in the budget for me to actually attend the bloody (and it will be) match so I'll have to pick a Dublin bar and watch it on t.v. through a pint of Guinness. I lived in Dublin 20 odd years ago, it's changed much, the economy has grown from a poor 2nd world economy through the "Celtic Tiger" years and is now overheating. Drink costs a fuckin' fortune, I'll get a receipt, Coke is the hedonistic high of choice, and 1 in 5 people in the city are immigrants, mostly Poles and Nigerians and it's now an Irish caricature of itself.

Regular readers will know that me, work and drink seldom (read never) go well together. I dread to think what the weekend will bring. One thing's for sure, men playing with odd shaped balls will be the least of my worries.

Personal best

I know it looks like I've temporarily abandoned this wee blog, just been away with work all week, still am now. I've been meeting and getting to know people, some drink has been involved and, unusually, I haven't shamed myself-well, except for falling asleep in 3 separate presentations.

As I'm away next week, however, there's time yet. In fact I don't officially start work for a couple of weeks so I could set a personal best for shaming myself, offending my betters and getting sacked comfortably before I even begin.

Now there's a challenge.

Insomnia

I haven't been sleeping well lately. Late to bed, early to rise. Broken sleep. Weird dreams. Pains in the chest.

I'm contemplating a job move. Harder work, much bigger challenge, potential of more money. About £30k more than I can currently earn where I am. There are some very big "ifs" that come along with it. It'll be shit or bust. I'm stagnating where I am.

So hungry I could kill

Hotels. Hate them. Or at least the last one I stayed in. Two nights in a row they couldn't take me for dinner when I needed fed and the head waitress seemed to smirk gleefully when telling me. I'll have her, down one of the back corridors. Quick twist of the neck from behind. Two crunches and she's a floppy doll. She'll never see it coming. And then on the second night when I did eventually get seated I was on my main course and still no sign of the wine so they gave me a full bottle. I had death in my eyes and they chose wisely. Gave me a bottle of Chilean red. House of the Devil was the literal translation of the label. I'd agree. Bloody dinner had obviously not been made fresh but had been reheated in an oven or microwave. More neck cricking to be done in that establishment I fear.

Got to keep moving. Very busy trying to get some work done before my hols. Plenty of stuff needed on the personal front too. Must make a list. Must get stuff on the list. Arrange holiday parking. Arrange airport transfers. Must start to pack.

Fun

Wake up, do some work, take some grief , deal with arseholes, suffer a bit of rejection, eat, sleep. Rinse, repeat ad nauseam.
How do you get through when life just seems an interminable grind. When ups are short lived and few and far between. When normality feels like an ever lasting bout of the shits interspersed at random with unanaesthetised tooth pulling. Fun, with an f.

I wish I'd worked harder when I was smart. I wish I'd taken more chances when I could afford to. Now I wish I'll buy the winning lottery ticket.

Perhaps I need to get healthy again. Perhaps it's just the after effects of too long a day in London yesterday. Perhaps I need a little luck. Something needs to change. I need to change. I can't keep living with that little f.

The last 24 hours

Went for a drink in a town with a very small gene pool.
Lost my phone. (Idiot boss has it, get it back in post on Monday, maybe.)
Had a flight delayed.
Had a flight further delayed.
Boarded flight.
Aircraft then developed an electrical fault on the runway at take off.
Captain announced this was a different fault than the previous one!
Further delay.
Captain announces staff approaching legal working limit for shift.
Scared woman in front requests to leave the plane. Freaks out.
Staff inform her all bags will have to be unloaded to take her's off.
I stab woman to death with a pen. (I made that one up)
Woman sees me wanting to stab her with pen.
Took off.
Arrived safely at other end.
Ticket machine ate my car park ticket.

How's your day been?

booze, birds, business

Yes, I realise that has a slightly 70's sound about it but I just couldn't resist the alliteration . In fact I liked it sooo much I stuck some more in that last sentence. How fucking clever.

So, the second instalment of the fish tale (get it? groan) will have to wait as I'm off for a couple of days on a work conferency, drinkfest meeting type of thing. Now I know I appear to be developing some sort of a pattern at these events like this or this and this but THIS time it WILL be different. Fingers crossed.

I mean, armed with a sackful of determination and a suitcase full of stoicism, what could possibly go wrong?

Christmas dinner (and why I'm pathetic) part 2

This follows on from part 1 found here.

Part 2

So where was I . Vulnerable - that's where I was. NEWPA was casually slipping her arm around me in that "I'll keep it loose so it's friendly but if you reciprocate I'll really get friendly" kind of way. You know what I mean don't you? During the next wee while we chatted and other colleagues were in our company.
I had picked up that NEWPA was a bit too drunk and started to order up glasses of water for her making sure she was sipping them. I think we loosely stuck around each other - I wanted to make sure she didn't get taken advantage of and I had no romantic notions myself because of the state she was in - and she hung around me as we exited to the residents bar. It was here that my boss's, boss's boss started a conversation with me. All I'll say is that I should know by now. These boss type fuckers have a tendency to ask questions and I have a tendency to answer forthrightly. (When I was going through airport security next day I felt someone grab my arm. Yeah, it was him. Earth swallow me up please!) Next time will be different (why o why can't I just be rude and walk away from these people when they ask me questions, it would be so much less harmful for me in the long run).
Back to the plot. I am being topped up with large glasses of wine by all and sundry. That's just what I need with no sleep in 24 hrs and severe dehydration due to the dodgy guts. NEWPA is still here and my drunkenness must be catching up with hers.We can both barely speak and she loosely holds my fingers or my waist or gets really close to my face. You know what's coming next. My excuse is that I was drunk. I never can make good decisions when I'm drunk. Can't evaluate a situation. It's my folly. I let her bounce off my face in what was probably half a dozen attempted casual snog passes - the ones where they can be accidentally put down to losing her balance,blah, blah, blah. But 6 times? I am such a twat.
It's now past 4 and she is more sober than anytime over the last few hours - good. I however am swaying in the strong breeze created by an anorexic waitress gliding by- not good. Nothing happens. Nothing except EXPA comes to join us remarking that "Why did I leave her with ... earlier?" and for some unknown reason (and this bit really isn't like me) I get into and then take over a conversation about dick size. WTF !! Can the A team please swoop in and distract everyone with potato mortars and bling and stupid theme tunes, I need rescued. EXPA went to bed. NEWPA, who had now been joined by a friend of hers asked for 4 of us remaining to sit at a table. I think I must have been close to catatonic now. Funny I didn't remember being that way until the autopsy the next day. Bed (solo) was a mere few minutes away.
So there you have it. Or not.

I have some BIG questions for myself.

• Why was I such a gent?
• Why do I think I'm still sober when talking to a boss?
• Why can't I work out the small signs?
• Why can't I drink water like Jebus?
• Why do I turn into my brother when I'm drunk?
• Why did I spend a lot of the night making fun of fat girls ? (Oh, I'm not proud- forgot to mention that earlier. In my defence it was only the really fat ones who dressed inappropriately - I'm still digging that hole aren't I ? Shut up man!!).

I should have been tucked up in bed early on, dictating to a PA - any PA. I have another of these type of events in January, except bigger. Can you please give me some advice, some words of wisdom?

Christmas dinner (and why I'm pathetic)

As this is a much longer entry than normal for me I'll stick part 1 up now. Please put part 1 before your comment (for the benefit of later readers) and I'll update with part 2 as soon as possible. Thanks.
Part 1

You wanna know how the Christmas dinner went? Oke doke. Now, you already know what the ending is, it's only how I got there that differs.
So, night before - I get 2 hours sleep due to my daughter being unwell and an early flight. Arrive to the all day meeting thing which unexpectedly included alcohol. Bucks Fizz at breakfast followed by wine. Meeting ends and get a lift to the hotel. Try to sleep. No dice. Have, how shall I say, a dodgy stomach (onion bhajis at lunch) and spend most of the time between 6 and 7pm when the dinner starts on the toilet. Meet colleagues in the bar and have my first 2 glass worth of merlot. Veeeeery fucking boring so far, I know.
In walks a black dress attached to a beautiful beaming smile and blond bob who is of course my colleague from this entry. Yes, the flirty one who I may have done/said something inappropriate with in the past. Contact.
One of my colleagues brags how he spent £980 on drink whilst entertaining earlier in the week. He and 4 others who work in his department have already consumed 15 bottles of champagne today (somebody say he's a dickhead please).
We sit for dinner. Now this is where you have to start paying attention. My boss's ex P.A. arrives after everyone else in seated. She walks in and at first I struggle to recognise her as she appears to be 2/3 legs and has a catwalk gait. Dress code was supposed to smart casual ( whatever that is) . She's wearing a short-suit, hot pants and a sleeveless top combined, black, lycra, 60's detailing. Do I need to describe this is any more detail? I have a feeling we may be talking later. After the first course I realise sooner or later I'm going to have a cigarette. Due to the bad guts and the the fact I might not even make the end of dinner I decide to buy a pack now. (Sorry Junq, I'm weak.) I return to the bar during the meal (which takes 2 hours to serve) several times to have an occasional cig and top up my wine. It's easier to talk here anyway and socialise. Hello ex P.A. . EXPA is quite thin (did I say she had long legs?) so not usually my area of interest. She seemed pleased to see me. Smallchat. Back to dinner. Circulate with colleagues (there's about 300 in the room). Around this time I approach Smiley Flirty. For no apparent reason she was really "off" with me and the conversation lasted only a minute. Perhaps I have something to apologise for after all. Between a rebuff, giving in to the cigarettes and having to clench my cheeks for the last 2 hours or so this night isn't shaping up well.
I reverberate between the 2 bars for a while meeting various people along the way. EXPA is sitting on her own and I sit with her and congratulate her on her show stopping entrance. She feigns embarrassment and tells me how much she hates her legs. "You ! You've fantastic legs. Stand up EXPA!" And to my surprise she does and lets me wallow in her glory. There is a God and sometimes he even listens to me! A guy comes along and starts to chat with her. She seems interested in what he has to say so I leave them and move back to the comfort of the bar a few feet away where I bump into my boss's current P.A. . We'll call her NEWPA. NEWPA is happy. She calls out my name, grabs my arm and proceeds to tell me how nice I am. This could turn into a dangerous situation. 2 rebuffs, she's caught me on the rebound.


to be continued....

last night

I'm tired . It's late (at least for me it feels it is ) . Just wanted to provide a quick update .

Got very drunk . My client bought 2 bottles of champagne at £100 (just for the 2 of us) in a bar we were in . I lost my jacket in this bar . My phone was in it . I need the numbers and my phone to do my job .
Went back to the hotel where I served us some drink by getting behind the bar and pouring some Guinness and a premium malt whiskey (about £20 worth of whiskey in one glass) . Couldn't speak . Went to bed only for the hotel to forget our alarm call at 7 am to catch our flights home so had to get to the airport unwashed and still in last night's clothes . And of course in packing quickly (30 seconds) I left some things in the hotel room , a new scarf and my favourite pair of jeans .

Bollocks .

men playing with odd shaped balls

Let's see what Google makes of that !

Going to Edinburgh for the rugby match on Saturday (taking a client) for a bit of corporate hospitality . Coming down with a cold though and Edinburgh is expecting a blizzard over the weekend . Might have to stay in bars a lot and drink hot whiskies . A colleague who works locally will be my guide for the apres match city tour taking in all the choicest establishments . I expect to be in jail by Sunday, broke, not feeling well and with a few disjointed flashbacks for company in lieu of memory .

and p.s. - what the fuck's wrong with Spaces today ? Where's my profile gone ?
## update - apparently my profile had an adult rating and was censored as MSN is about to add features to Spaces for Xbox 360 console owners , that'll add some quality blogs then . ##

moving towards sex

This Christmas I've decided to do something different - buy a new house. Having picked up the keys I now have the job of making it liveable . It doesn't need much (o.k. a new gas range and kitchen, blinds, some flooring etc.) but it needs a repaint inside after filling and sanding a million picture hook holes and plugs where fittings used to be (randomly arranged of course). I spent today arranging electricity, home phone, multi room satellite - amazingly I have got the dates I wanted even though there's only 3 working days between Christmas and new year. I love it when a plan comes together although I think I slept in with my ADSL provider - they need up to 3 weeks to activate the DSL line with the phone provider. Getting my business line looks like it's going to take a while longer, probably because my company will take several days to do anything at their end to start the order process off. Twats. 1 day down and counting. Of course now I have to get a move on and get my filling, sanding and painting done around Christmas. Still, should be relatively settled by new year's eve. Did someone say party? Music, t.v., fridge - prioritise! So if I disappear for a while you'll know where I've gone unless it's new year's eve in which case even I'll not know where I am.

p.s. I hope I get some sex soon other ways I may burst. It won't be pretty. Wish me luck.

corporate drink fest

In 45 minutes the 2005 Christmas hospitality season kicks off with my first drink. Well, apparently 'tis the season to be jolly (tra-la-la-la-la , la-la-la-laaaa). At this time of year I see more crooked toes than mistletoe, more fist fights and bitch-slappin' than peace and goodwill to all men. My memory goes through a systematic process of finding out some juicy gossip only for it to be permanently erased a few hours later. Select program, repeat. Select program, repeat. And so on.
Still, I have once again packed in the cigarettes and resolved that 2006 will be the year to reclaim my body. If only I could remember where I left it.

tempted

I hate people letting me down . I hate people fucking me around not doing what they indicated they would . I hate people who don't have any regard for the people who are my "customers" .
Last week, and rolling into this week I've been trying to obtain enough business to earn me some much needed bonus money . I need about £2,500,000 over the next few weeks before the Yuletide corporate entertainment fest takes over . With 1 client a potential £1,000,000 was/is at stake . In one hit . Through the incompetence and disregard of others I've had the week from hell spending more than half of that time dealing with only this 1 client's potential business . Days have come and gone promising breakthroughs in the morning only to be thwarted by the time the sun sets . Why is it so difficult to have everyone in the same organisation understand that what I do helps keep them employed . If I say x,y,or z is necessary then it is . Don't make up inadequate flawed cases for why we do it this way or that . In the meantime while dealing with this all of my attention is diverted from bread and butter business - so I lose twice ! So now I'm even more likely to get the most hated man in the company award (I was doing pretty well on that score anyway) . I was right at the point of telling them I'm jacking it all in several times in the last few days . Give me my mortgage lender's employment reference so I can buy my new house and you can all FUCK OFF . So close . Tomorrow and the next day I have to speak to my boss who is no doubt unhappy that I've been making these laggards unhappy . I might still tell him to fuck off . This is a work in progress .

I'm really sorry ...

The title ? Just practising . O.K. - sit down and I'll tell you .

You see I went to Manchester for a work conference type thing . I only got 4 hours sleep the night before my flight so it was a long day . I met the usual bunch of colleagues some known to me, some not . There was 1 girl however - not a stunning beauty but very, veeery sexy and she's always smiling . She flirts outrageously with me and this time was no exception . She worked out early in the day that we were to be seated at the same table for dinner and when we went in to the room she changed name cards so she could sit beside me . Flirting ensued . By the time dinner had started I had already gained considerable familiarity with the best Merlot on the wine list .

• I heckled the guest speaker
  
• I had a less than positive conversation about by boss (he was sitting directly opposite me)
• I may have said or done something inappropriate with the flirter
  
• I stayed in the bar to 5 am although can't remember anything past 11 pm
  
• I told my boss's boss some things I probably shouldn't
  
• I ignored my alarm clock until exactly 8.29am when I awoke with my contact lenses still welded to my eyes - the first session of the 2nd day was starting at 8.30am sharp
  

So, as you can see Monday is a daunting day for me .

Now where was I ?

I'm really, reeeaaallly sorry .....