what xmas teaches us

from the title i suppose you think this entry is going to be theological . i can start by telling you therefore that i won't be talking about baby jesus , god and any of the 3 commandments .

every xmas we go through a similar ritual , like it or not . this year i decided to note down some things in the vain hope that from my knowledge i will avoid some of the perenial xmas problems and issues next time . so , in my now customary list mode i will reveal what this xmas taught me ....

1. 1 yr old children and balloons do not mix .

2. get drunk before the opening of presents - that way your look of nonchalance at their gift will be passed off as a drunken haze .

3. filling the dish washer should be done by responsible , intelligent , logical ( which therefore excludes most women ) adults . specifically , dishcloths should not be thrown in the bottom of it ( that's where all the water gets out from ) , large utensils should not be placed in the path of the rotating water sprinklers and a grinding noise does not indicate that the dishwasher is working especially hard because is knows it is xmas ( more likely this is a terminal mechanical problem ).

4. there is no need to open , at the same time , red wine , white wine , a bottle of vintage champagne , when everyone in the room apart from you is driving .

5. offers to stay the night are for effect only and should not be taken up on .

6. your boring brother is boring . that's why you refer to him in the company of strangers as my boring brother . remember not to ask him any questons next year or make eye contact at any time . in fact remember to be out of the country at this time next year .

7. avoid staying out to 5 am on xmas eve - the offer of a free selection of drugs should not be allowed to influence your decision in any way .

8. treat yourself to a colonic irrigation gift voucher in good time and book the appointment for the 27th december .

9. alcohol , wrapping paper and swiss army knives are not good bedfellows . this will undoubtedly end in xmas eve tears , and stitches .

if you can suggest anything you've learned from xmas please make a comment below .

oh , and remember to sign up for automatic alerts using the link above this blog on the main page .

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thanks

if Carlsberg made xmas ......

now , if only Carlsberg made xmas .......here's a quick wish list i put together .i've already posted to Santa , so here's hopin' .

1. wake up to find kylie's cheeks brushing my nether regions in a spoons stylii .
2. a licence to bump "flat cap" drivers off the road when the notion takes me
3. beyonce crunching pistachios in front of a roaring fire ( check out those big thighs )
4. a limo outside waiting to take me and my new friends visitin'
5. first class tickets to the caribean for new year's eve
6. a self filling bank account
7. the famous "lose 10 lbs in 10 minutes" diet works
8. all the presents i bought people are perfect
9. the satellite signal for the queen's speech is hijacked and replaced by kelly brooke's private shower video
10. ## please suggest your own no. 10 for me ( or indeed suggest your own full list )

if you have a list of your own please add it in the comments section .

have found out where the xmas doo is later this afternoon ( and therefore my leaving doo too ). somewhere called " the living room " in glasgow . supposed to be a nice place .

won't be able to blog later as i'll be plastered but please leave plenty of comments for me to come back to on wednesday /thursday .

thanks

panic buying

i've just realised that 11 months ago i scheduled in some panic buying for today .

so , there was nothing else for it - having frittered away the last good shopping saturday to xmas doing other people favours . i just had to get my shit together , seeing as i'm officially on holiday now and not working , and using the "give a job to a busy man " paradigm i'd never have found time to do it .

a.m - list .. who , what
12.45 pm - en route , shops open at 1 .
1pm - hit the ground running . 32" widescreen t.v. for my parents , well they have been talking about it , can't really afford it as they're both retired , and hey as it's xmas .....
1.30pm - shopping centre , older brother , the most selfish thick skinned tight lazy bastard i have ever known , a bottle of chateauneuf de pape . ( i've bought him and his 3 kids nice presents for years to be given in return 3 pairs of white sports socks , marked 2nds... every f ing year !! ) . everyone ends up happy with this one , he's heard the name chateauneuf de pape through james bond films ( although i think jb 's talking champagne ) . so although my brother's getting a blended white wine - still £10 a bottle - he'll go into work after the xmas break and brag to all his mates , sorry colleagues , that he got a bottle of ....... he's very into his brands is my unlikeable brother- and talking about money .
2.00pm - two goose feather and duck down pillows ( for me ) . you just can't settle for foam or fibre pillows after the real thing ,yes , they are the coke of pillows .
2.30pm - slippers ( again for me ) . now this seems a bit daft , i know , but let me explain . as men we always have the perenial gift of slippers . i would be deemed by everyone i know to be "awkward" to buy for . on the outside i'm mr easy going but on the inside i have opinions on everything including slippers . the only surprise is who you get the slippers from and how manky they look . therefore this year i've decided i'm going to ease someone's burden ( as someone had been making crude enquiries in the indoor footwear dept. ) and save myself a trip to the charity shop after xmas .
3.00 pm - brother in law - a top from next .
3.15pm - spent next 15 minutes delegating remaining awkward people out . time well spent . i always remember my time management training , the 4 D s . do , dump , diarise , delegate , thank god santa needed another vocation for the other 364 days a year !
3.30pm - set off to pick up big tv - easier than sitting in waiting for a delivery man and at least guarantees i'll be the big smarty-pants on xmas day when i arrive up at my parents' .
5.15pm - return home - most xmas headaches now taken care of .
aaaaaah ! i bloody love xmas now .
all that crap dealt with , the roads filled with drivers all doing 25 mph , and still no cigarette . things are looking good . but i've wanted a cigarette at least once an hour for the last 4 days .

don't you just love Xmas!

i should be working now - but i'm just faffing about - which is how i have time to start this blog . got a new job , start in jan 2005 so until then i'm just pretending to be busy . luckily that includes lying around in a dressing gown all day , eating junk , surfing the www and working out which new company car i should pick . i know , it's a hard life , but someone's gotta do it . haven't got 1 xmas present yet - too busy , lol . anyway , just 7 more days left of work then holidays until jan 5th - yeeeeeeeh ! i'm very neutral about this time of year - don't particularly like or hate it . but a lifetime's experience tells me xmas usually involves the following -

1. trying to kop off with someone at the works xmas doo ( or vice versa ) see pics below

2. eating waaaaay too much xmas day ( check out the toilet bowl next day !)

3. feeling unwell eating dinner on xmas day because of xmas eve ( we never learn !)

4. getting crappy presents you'd never have bought yourself ( and your family's supposed to know you )

5. spending ages buying presents for "tricky" people ( aaah- it makes sense now - we're their "tricky" people !)

6. putting on 1/2 stone in less than week

7. thinking was that it ?