the guess-what-happened-next competition

Regular readers will be aware that me and large amounts of alcohol don't mix well. In a few hours I get on a plane to attend an all day meeting followed by the work Christmas dinner party. Rather than me tell you in 2 days time what I did I thought it would be more fun if readers left a comment forecasting what you think I'll do. If you trawl through my archives you might see some patterns. The winner gets to accompany me on a night out with an unlimited drinks budget.

Good luck.

What not to say to a woman

Men and women just don't think or communicate in the same way. No news there, I know. But if you're a man here are some things you might want to avoid saying.

What Not to Say to a Woman

• "What happened to your hair ? Will it stay like that ?"
• "Are you going to wear that tonight ? I thought you were going to get changed."
• "Birthday ? Who's birthday ?"
• "Did your clothes shrink in the drier ?"
• "Your sister is nice. What's her name ?"
• "You're how old ?"
• "Do you think you've been putting on some weight ?"
• "Look ! There's my old girl friend. Let's go over and talk to her."
• “Is that grey hair ?”
• "That's not the way XYZ did it."
• "What I really like about you is your tits."
• "Do you want to borrow my razor ?"
• "Did you have a shower earlier ?"
• "It only looks bad from certain angles."
• "Have any of your friends ever had a 3-some ?"
  
• "Why don't you get your hair cut like XYZ."
• "You remind me of XYZ."
• "That was probably the 2nd best sex I've ever had."
• "It is nice. It just doesn't really suit you."
  
• "I think you look O.K. for your age."
• "When you hit 40 I'll change you for 2 20s ."
• "If I win the lottery I'll give you half."
  
• "I thought you were taller."
• "It's just a little bit of cellulite. Nothing to worry about."
• "As long as it's quick. There's a program coming on in 15 minutes."
• "Marriage is for mugs."
• "I'd like you to be a bit more feminine."
• "Your share of the meal works out at ...."
• "What size do you wear now ?"
• "Have you always been a girl ?"
• "They look exactly the same as your other shoes."
• "Have you thought about getting one of those bras that lifts ?"
• "Pizza is a meal."
• "I know you said you just wanted a cuddle but I'm horny now."
  
• "Is it O.K. if I put the lights out before you take that off ?"
• "I still remember when you were really sexy."
• "I was only talking to her, I mean I could have - I just didn't want to."
• "Are you going out without your make-up ?"
• "I don't even like going to that bar - it's always full of young girls."
• "My tongue's got cramp."
• "All my other girlfriends were good looking but had no personality."
• "Your dress looks fine. No-one's looking at you anyway."
  

Never ever use the word "weight". Think - hole, small twigs and leaves. There is no possible way to avoid being thought of as a callous bastard after you use this word in any context about your partner - e.g. ...

"Have you lost weight ?" translated is "So you did think I was fat ?"

Feel free to add your own examples of what not to say in the comments section.

presents

Being that Christmas is only 2 1/2 weeks away now and I haven't started shopping yet I was just wondering . How late should you leave it before braving the hordes of once a year shoppers ?

gone

George Best 1946 - 2005

link 1

link 2

link 3

cows

"Mimi, what did you see on the train today with Granda ?"
"Cows"
"The sea ?"
"Ahuh"
"Trees ?"
"Ahuh"
"Fields?"
"Ahuh . Tiny cows daddy"

Not sure what it is, cows always come into the picture . The bovine fixation has been there for months . Big cows, tiny cows . Of course there's no such thing as tiny cows . Like when Father Dougal says to Father Ted "Jaysus Ted, aren't the cows in that field awful small ?" "No Dougal, those cows are big but faaaaaaaaaaaar away."


Father Ted DVD

new Firefox 1.5 released

As many of you know (and there's a clue somewhere on my page) I use Firefox browser, even here on Spaces . A new updated version has been released for all main software platforms such as Windows, Mac and Linux . The new version 1.5 should appear here within a few hours or alternatively click on the Firefox logo on this page.
I cheated and grabbed it from here though and am running it now . It seems to be faster loading pages and has a few tweaks around security and clearing personal data in one click plus the ability to drag and drop tabs . Of course you may find some of your previously installed Firefox extensions don't run with it (it will tell you if this is so) but I found if I went directly to each extension's author's homepage a 1.5 compliant version was available there .

last night

I'm tired . It's late (at least for me it feels it is ) . Just wanted to provide a quick update .

Got very drunk . My client bought 2 bottles of champagne at £100 (just for the 2 of us) in a bar we were in . I lost my jacket in this bar . My phone was in it . I need the numbers and my phone to do my job .
Went back to the hotel where I served us some drink by getting behind the bar and pouring some Guinness and a premium malt whiskey (about £20 worth of whiskey in one glass) . Couldn't speak . Went to bed only for the hotel to forget our alarm call at 7 am to catch our flights home so had to get to the airport unwashed and still in last night's clothes . And of course in packing quickly (30 seconds) I left some things in the hotel room , a new scarf and my favourite pair of jeans .

Bollocks .

men playing with odd shaped balls

Let's see what Google makes of that !

Going to Edinburgh for the rugby match on Saturday (taking a client) for a bit of corporate hospitality . Coming down with a cold though and Edinburgh is expecting a blizzard over the weekend . Might have to stay in bars a lot and drink hot whiskies . A colleague who works locally will be my guide for the apres match city tour taking in all the choicest establishments . I expect to be in jail by Sunday, broke, not feeling well and with a few disjointed flashbacks for company in lieu of memory .

and p.s. - what the fuck's wrong with Spaces today ? Where's my profile gone ?
## update - apparently my profile had an adult rating and was censored as MSN is about to add features to Spaces for Xbox 360 console owners , that'll add some quality blogs then . ##

349 , 350 , 351 ....

I've been sporadically writing this for nearly a year now (I later deleted the first couple of entries) . A whole year bar a few days . A year ago I couldn't do a hyperlink and a whole lot more . This Space has both taught me a lot and allowed me to learn a lot . A lot about the internet, computers, people and of course me . The last two are the most important . I've been exposed to new virtual friends and aquaintances, new opinions and perspectives . If I learn as much next year as I have in the last I will be a very, very wise man or at least less of a fool .

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read entries and/or leave a comment .

moving towards sex

This Christmas I've decided to do something different - buy a new house. Having picked up the keys I now have the job of making it liveable . It doesn't need much (o.k. a new gas range and kitchen, blinds, some flooring etc.) but it needs a repaint inside after filling and sanding a million picture hook holes and plugs where fittings used to be (randomly arranged of course). I spent today arranging electricity, home phone, multi room satellite - amazingly I have got the dates I wanted even though there's only 3 working days between Christmas and new year. I love it when a plan comes together although I think I slept in with my ADSL provider - they need up to 3 weeks to activate the DSL line with the phone provider. Getting my business line looks like it's going to take a while longer, probably because my company will take several days to do anything at their end to start the order process off. Twats. 1 day down and counting. Of course now I have to get a move on and get my filling, sanding and painting done around Christmas. Still, should be relatively settled by new year's eve. Did someone say party? Music, t.v., fridge - prioritise! So if I disappear for a while you'll know where I've gone unless it's new year's eve in which case even I'll not know where I am.

p.s. I hope I get some sex soon other ways I may burst. It won't be pretty. Wish me luck.

small talk

Can I be lazy and make the first proper entry upon my return one taken from the mouths of babes (or babe - singular) ?

Last Friday in an effort to overcome my daughter's fear of getting her hair wet I thought I'd be extra adult clever and con her into washing my hair while I soaked in the bath. She's not yet 2 in case you're on the phone to Social Services. Anyway, she's quite a talkative little bugger and pointed at my chest and said "boobie". I was fuckin' horrified !
"No, that's not a boobie, that's daddy's chest".
She looked again quizzically .
"Not boobie ?"
"No !"
"Mummy has boobie?"
"Yes"

Tonight - phase 2 . Plan is to wash my hair and this time get her to do it from inside the bath and if I'm really lucky she'll want some reciprocal hair washing action . Mini-me pointing at my chest with quizzical look ....
"Not boobie ?"
"No, not boobie !"
Still the quizzical look .


Time for a diet folks . Fuckin' midget !

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corporate drink fest

In 45 minutes the 2005 Christmas hospitality season kicks off with my first drink. Well, apparently 'tis the season to be jolly (tra-la-la-la-la , la-la-la-laaaa). At this time of year I see more crooked toes than mistletoe, more fist fights and bitch-slappin' than peace and goodwill to all men. My memory goes through a systematic process of finding out some juicy gossip only for it to be permanently erased a few hours later. Select program, repeat. Select program, repeat. And so on.
Still, I have once again packed in the cigarettes and resolved that 2006 will be the year to reclaim my body. If only I could remember where I left it.

tempted

I hate people letting me down . I hate people fucking me around not doing what they indicated they would . I hate people who don't have any regard for the people who are my "customers" .
Last week, and rolling into this week I've been trying to obtain enough business to earn me some much needed bonus money . I need about £2,500,000 over the next few weeks before the Yuletide corporate entertainment fest takes over . With 1 client a potential £1,000,000 was/is at stake . In one hit . Through the incompetence and disregard of others I've had the week from hell spending more than half of that time dealing with only this 1 client's potential business . Days have come and gone promising breakthroughs in the morning only to be thwarted by the time the sun sets . Why is it so difficult to have everyone in the same organisation understand that what I do helps keep them employed . If I say x,y,or z is necessary then it is . Don't make up inadequate flawed cases for why we do it this way or that . In the meantime while dealing with this all of my attention is diverted from bread and butter business - so I lose twice ! So now I'm even more likely to get the most hated man in the company award (I was doing pretty well on that score anyway) . I was right at the point of telling them I'm jacking it all in several times in the last few days . Give me my mortgage lender's employment reference so I can buy my new house and you can all FUCK OFF . So close . Tomorrow and the next day I have to speak to my boss who is no doubt unhappy that I've been making these laggards unhappy . I might still tell him to fuck off . This is a work in progress .

more internet gems

2 recent sites I came across .....

link 1

link 2