pure

Pure Monty
4 carrots (washed & topped)
1 large banana
100ml (4oz) pure orange (not sweetened or strained)
1/4 peeled cucumber
1 thin slice fresh ginger
1/2 cup of ice

Blend until smooth - enough for 2 glasses

You see, I went to a restaurant today with a client, ordered my pint of diet Croke only to be be smiled at (by a very healthy looking waitress - the sort that would smell nice after sex) and told that "it's only healthy food that we serve here". I was about to make a tit of myself by clarifying that I had in fact asked for "diet" when I came to my senses, all of a sudden realising that she didn't have that relaxed aura of inner and outer well-being from consuming large amounts of caffeine, E-numbers and preservatives. I had a lovely organic steak sandwich on home made ciabatta with a Mediterranean herb leaf salad washed down with the only carbonated drink they served, a home-made lemonade made with real lemons (gasp) and the milk from 1000 free range albino hummingbirds or something like that. Well. I felt sooo good this afternoon I thought to myself "That's it, my body is a temple. No more shall poison pass my lips (unless the poison bottle is labelled Merlot or Bisongrass or comes from a packet saying Marlboro)." And that's why you're going to try my health drink recipe.

For the record I'm about 13 stone (14 lbs in a stone) and should be 11 or so. There's no other way to deal with this, it just has to be head on which means I'm going all the way.

And so it came to pass that he picked up and started to read Gillian McKeith's "You are what you eat". (For the U.S. or Canadian reader she's like a Scottish Nanny McPhee with the goodness sucked out, has no neck and legs that are frankly too long for someone that small, or is it her torso that's suspiciously short?)

Wish me luck. Now, remember you have to make something up about me. O.K. You don't have to. But do try the drink.