Britney

I'm no fan of celebrities. They usually live in a bubble world very much detached from the rest of us, it seems to matter little whether they're an A lister or a Z lister. I'm sure no-one won any money from the split of Britney and K-Fed, one of the surest things most likely to happen in anyone's books. Events like these do, however, remind us that they're as fragile and flawed as you and me, perhaps more-so. They dated for only 2 months before getting engaged, him leaving his pregnant partner to be with Britney. You and I would be hearing bells here. They then went on to wed 6 months later having been a couple for 8 months. By all accounts the marriage was lucky to survive beyond Britney's first pregnancy but being the clever couple they are they thought having another child straight away was a good idea. Surely the spawn of these genes is not something that will enhance the human race unless 2 idiots can make a genius. The children are unfortunate victims and I shouldn't mock. You have to feel sorry for anyone who, despite not having the money worries the rest of us have to deal with in our day to day lives, have such inability to gauge a situation that will forever change their life and the lives of others. In fairness to Britney he seems to be a bigger idiot than she is and I imagine a messy divorce will allow his true colours to come even more to the fore.

For the record Britney, I'd sign a pre-nup, use contraception (and remind you to) and stick to careers I know I'm good at, won't even think about becoming a bad-ass rapper. And I'd have done you in the Toxic video.

p.s. of course you'd have to become smart and change your hair colour back. Don't pretend you're not giving it some thought.




Readers, please note the top picture isn't really a picture of Britney but of a girl from Iowa called Emmie and was taken by Eric Striffler. Actually, looking at the bottom picture, Emmie has first dibs.

Boke and Guinness and Soap

I'm feeling unusually refreshed for a Monday. Friday night was spent out drinking with a couple of friends. To avoid unnecessary (and redundant verbosity) the highlights were as follows.

• 7.20 pm. Got picked up by taxi, the driver stating that it would have been much handier for him if I'd walked down to the main road.
• 7.21 pm. Taxi driver seemed unable to comprehend that if I'd done that I wouldn't have needed him. (1st note to self - remember to fart so hard before getting out in future that taxi driver thinks you've shit yourself).
• 7.36pm. Arrive in Heddonism Central. Select bar/restaurant and take seats for the "chat". The chat involves male bonding type banter which builds up over the next few hours before concluding that all women are psychotic bastards.
• 10.00pm. Shift bar to one where the ladies will get the benefit of our new found wine induced confidence and witty repartee.
• 10.02pm. Bump into a previous incumbent of my job who's out entertaining what are now mutual clients, though we're now competitors. I do the shaky hand thing with them and smile a bit before being lumbered temporarily with him. He smells of boke (definition). (2nd note to self - remember to wash or wipe your boke smattered ear next time you end up getting sucked in to a conversation with this dickhead).
• 10.05pm. Became a smoker again for the night. Drink = Dark Side.
• 10.10pm. Customary bullshit and ogling.
• 11.40pm. Change bars. Elbow room now required (and faster service).
• 11.41pm. Arrive at neighbouring bar 20 feet away. On arrival my route to the bar staff is blocked by an English soap star. I badger him into ordering for me which allows me chat up his girlfriend who turns out to be from my hometown.
• 1.05am. Although my "humility" script for ego-centrics is quite good I eventually run out of things to say to said soap star. He was beginning to see through lines such as "It must be a very interesting job you have, opening supermarkets ....".
• 1.45am. Get picked up by same taxi driver.
• 1.58am. No, I don't want to be dropped off at the main road you decaying old fucker.
• 2.05am. Nod. (3rd note to self - as soon as you hear yourself saying "I'm just going to have a quiet night" you've just given the evening the kiss of death. It's as predictable as Abracadabra and a puff of smoke or Bush lying when he opens his mouth).
• Saturday. Drag out hangover until at least 5pm. Deny to everyone you have a hangover even though they can still smell the drink off your breath. Convince yourself your liver doesn't hurt, it's mind over matter.

Queen of the ball

If you're petty and small minded like me you'll like this. Somehow I missed the story first time round. You know Richard Branson? OK. Well he was throwing a 21st birthday party for his son, the theme of which was The Madhatter's Ball. Paris Hilton heard about the party and asked if she could come dressed as Alice, therefore guaranteeing her a starring role. Sir Dicky agreed. When she turned up however she found Tricky Dicky had asked all 60 waitresses to dress up as Alice too. To rub salt in to the wounds he deliberately asked Paris for a drink when she approached him. Quality.

p.s. do you think she's lost a contact or just about to be on the receiving end?

Who am I?

Thanks to my blog friend Sarah I came across this site that shows your celebrity lookalikes.

Shy as I am I've left my moniker out but apparently these are the celebs I'm most similar to.

What the fuck? OK. I can understand Stephen Chow (whoever that is). I must've been smiling a bit too Chinesely in the pic I submitted but Tom Yorke??? Even on a Sunday morning after 2 hrs sleep and an indulgent Saturday night full of vices I don't look like that bag 'o spanners.

So there you are. I am approximately 65% to 72% of the above. Scary.



Update - ran Mini-me's pic through it.

Now, the more observant among you will notice that my daughter's supposed to look reasonably Japanese, with a smattering of Shirley Temple, Tyra Banks and Wacko.

I'm going for a paternity test.

8 from 3

**

For reasons that are completely beyond my control (like greed and discipline) my healthy eating splurge never got beyond a fortnight and lip service (and I don't mean the Asian "happy ending" lip service either). This means that as of Sunday I still had 11 pounds to lose. Due to buying an MP3 player (which, after 3 days, is already on it's way back to the supplier, but that's another story) I did, for the first time in years, manage to go for a short run in Parliament grounds near my house which had the astonishing effect (coupled with reasonably sensible eating) of raising my metabolism for sufficiently long to lop another 3 pounds off. Three weeks left. Hence 8 from 3. Is it feasible to lose 8+ pounds in the remaining 3 weeks or should I just accept man-breasts and faux pregnancy for yet another holiday album?


** This may or may not be an accurate representation of how I currently look.

Testing, testing

Sharper readers may have picked up on the fact that I have not, in fact, spent a weekend with Monica Belucci. Wishful thinking. Much baby minding on Saturday and Sunday, good fun though. Today, although sort of a holiday, my time has and will be spent doing CBT and on-line exams. About fuckin' time I exercised my diminishing grey matter.

P.S. can someone smart explain this to me, please?

Dirty weekend

Is it that time again? It always creeps up on me. Once in a while an old friend comes to stay the weekend. You see, we had a torrid affair many years ago and ...well, she just won't let go. I know I should say something but ...she's a good person, average looking, smells nice and has made a packet in the movies. So, out of the goodness of my heart I allow her to be my fuck buddy. Magnanimous I'm sure you'll agree. We mostly stay indoors if you know what I mean. It's not as if she gets recognised when we go out or anything, even after she did that Matrix sequel. It's just that she's a bit of a minx ....and she's sooo into me. So if you don't hear from me for a day or two you'll know why.

"Celebrities" you'd like to push in front of a bus

Celebrity. What a misused term that is these days. Through reality shows and fly on the wall documentaries we've been bombarded through lazy programming with faces new and not so new, almost all of dubious talent. Most of the others prostitute themselves "for their fans", complete attention whores or speak/act in a way that suggests they think a different set of rules apply to them.
Everyone can be a celebrity if they can get their mug on t.v.. And the more they're on the bigger the celebrity they've become.... or so they'd like us to believe.

It's time to fight back. Time to nudge the so-called celebs in front of the bus. Here's my list of some who should meet their maker post haste.

• Paris smug Hilton
• Britney smug and extremely stupid Spears
• Tom did I tell you I'm in love Cruise
• Snoop unreformed gangsta Dogg
• Mariah royal diva Carey
• Elton ugly diva John
• Whitney powder my nose Houston
• Joan original chin now just above belly button Collins
• Victoria pouting cheap porn boob job Beckham

Feel free to add your own. If I see them I'll push them. That's a promise.

gone

George Best 1946 - 2005

link 1

link 2

link 3

cows

"Mimi, what did you see on the train today with Granda ?"
"Cows"
"The sea ?"
"Ahuh"
"Trees ?"
"Ahuh"
"Fields?"
"Ahuh . Tiny cows daddy"

Not sure what it is, cows always come into the picture . The bovine fixation has been there for months . Big cows, tiny cows . Of course there's no such thing as tiny cows . Like when Father Dougal says to Father Ted "Jaysus Ted, aren't the cows in that field awful small ?" "No Dougal, those cows are big but faaaaaaaaaaaar away."


Father Ted DVD

his only complaint

The first football superstar (long before big money came into the game) is currently in intensive care having been expected to die a few days ago . One of his famous quotes is ....

I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars - the rest I just squandered

link

He's also supposed to have bedded 3 Miss Worlds although if I wanted to nit pick - not all at the same time .

britney spears , pregnant ?

i read in a paper at the airport the other day that former pop princess britney spears " gives her fans the opportunity " to pay c. $575 dollars for her autograph . that got me thinking . no , i'm not talking about such weighty issues as

a. ) would you give her one

b. ) is she finished

there's room for debate there on both those subjects and if i discussed them i'd end up with a comments list ( particularly for b. ) that would never end and would be filled with the worldy opinions of hundreds of 10 yr old girls telling me what a bad man i was and making such intellectual arguments as ........." well , i fink britney is bril " and " britney is better than christina cos ... " so here's the rub , britney at the age of 20 something , 21 is it ? is worth an estimated $ 100 million + , and having had her loyal , mostly sub teenage fans spend disproportionate amounts of their pocket money on full price singles , cds and other miscellaneous merchandise she now repays them by giving them this generous opportunity . how magnanimous britney . so i suppose when she buys a meal in a restaurant and uses her credit card she deducts the price of the meal from her autograph fee and then waits for the waiter to bring her the balance . hmmmmm . she may be smarter than she seems . ( i have an opinion that she's disingenuous , tries to come across as interesting , interested and caring but is such a poor actor/ salesperson that she can only fool 10 yr olds with that cutesy girl talk ) . she also has no vocal range , sings through her nose and can't sing live .

am i being harsh here ?

i'm sorry , i just don't like her ( except in that " toxic " video where she does have a very sexy walk ! )

anyway , good luck to her with her autograph charging , but i'll take a bet with anyone that she'll be reported as being pregnant by the end of 2005 .

* checks article for anything libelous *