comedy , hotel $ex , human pinball and the slurry tank ...

it was a normal day - a lunch ( in aid of charity) - full to the brim with the profession's biggest wigs . and egos . if truth be known ego had the better over ability in that room . 1pm , so the comedian started his slot - he's done this gig for the last 3 years , quite impressive - and he must like his routine really well cos that's the 3rd time i've seen it . 5 of the jokes were funny , the other 200 were , well let's be kind , shite . however , so that they didn't look unintelligent the big wigs laughed loudest , even the guy with the frighteningly bad st st st stammer laughed at the joke about the stammerer , it just took him a bit longer to get his la la la la laughter out than everyone else . the aussie head hunter who poached me 4 yrs ago was there - sitting at my table , she was so petite , long blond hair and shortest skirt i've seen at one of these things . she won the raffle and then feigned embarrassment at having to walk across the dance floor in her impossibly high heels and unbeleivably short skirt . she later said that as she was on a head hunting mission she didn't want to attract attention - slap it into her .

by 3 pm the head hunter had been ass hunted and was being "given a lift to her hotel" - i like euphamisms as well as the next man but they might as well have said "we're off for some champagne , a hot soapy bath and sex until at least one of us is raw "

i'll move on quickly - cos as is normal on these type of days , as the drink piles in the day seems to accelerate . so here's a resume -

the entire gathering moved wholesale to a bar across the road and formed a human pinball machine . what i mean by that is , groups of colleagues huddled in exclusive bunches not interacting with the other bunches . the odd few individuals who came on their own or who nobody liked bounced between these bunches for hours before eventually dropping through the double doors on their way out ususally followed by a chorus of " fuckin' dickhead ". sound like pinball to you ? the usual middle aged lush found her face had melted by tea time and was sliding down her neck . then she slid off her seat . she does it every time - it's like she roofy's herself . someone ordered a taxi to remove the mess from the floor .

i'm 6 pints in and a bottle of red , so obviously it's a good idea to go to an indian . 6 of us - i only knew most by name but that's all - hey, do you find out a lot about someone after they've had a few . but the food was lovely which more than made up for the bollocks i had to listen to . subjects - religion , did they land on the moon , missed out god ? , sex - see all the usual subjects . course a lot of discrete and indiscrete flirting .

when the drink's in the wit's out ! waiter , another bottle of merlot please . ( i didn't say i was clever did i ?)

anyway , as is my take in new company , say less than everyone else , by default you end looking deep and mysterious or at the very worst put your foot in it less than the others ( o.k. , i've spilled the beans to you guys so you already know it's quite shallow ) . so , the women are keen to invite me out again - intrigued i think - works every time . not that i'm that interested - that's just my way of making an evening in strange company interesting , my coping mechanism .

needless to say today wasn't easy . i took hours to sober up , looked like a bag of premium grade shite and had my colon converted into an industrial strength slurry tank . ( now emptied and rinsed )

i'll leave you with that thought !