is your work party like this... ?

10 days to go to the work xmas party

this is possibly one the the highlights of the ye.. no , week . even better - i have to get on a plane to get to it so it makes it feel like a bit of an adventure ( o.k. , a not very exciting adventure but beats having your balls whacked with a 9 iron ! ) .

i enjoy a piss up . that feeling of elation you get when you have a prolonged session , especially if it starts in the afternoon - GOD , how i love that feeling of afternoon inebriation . better than coke , the slow build up of light headedness , the banter , the anticipation that this could be the best night of your life ( uh ... i don't have a binge drink problem ) .

here's the standard xmas doo format -

fly in early , 7.00 am for start of team meeting at 9 ish . there's about 14 of us .

have team meeting , blah blah , great f ing year - plans for 2005 , yada yada .. is this meeting still fucking going .. wrap up at 2.

get to the fancy lunch place - still don't know where it is . boss orders bottles of spirits for the tables - big timer ( but i like him )

name calling accelerates and as i'm leaving this xmas i expect at least 3 dickheads to call me a "judas wanker" - chefs finest efforts are reduced to baby food in vats of mine-swept drink - but chef shouldn't fret as we'll be seeing some of it again later !

tea time sees everyone pissed - you know that tunnel vision you get - and you start to look around for "free" people at neighbouring tables . she's nice , she's f ing gooorgeous , she's an ugly slapper .. she'll be the only one that makes eye contact with you .

6 ish - now here's where it all starts to go a bit pear shaped . we're all half fucked - can hardly talk . one of us ( and to conceal his identity we'll substitute the name of an american president ) Colin , wants to go visit some titty bars . this is where 14 becomes 8 + 6 . lets assume i go with the majority ( as the rest will comprise of my boss and 2 secretraries ( nothing wrong with secretaries - just that these 2 don't drink and wouldn't know what a good time was if it came up and bit them on the arse .)) now this is the stage when you're 10 ft talll and bullet proof isn't it ?

11 ish - 8 bars have been "hit" , 2 or 3 titty bars in there , did i say we were fucked yet ? Colin's needs have not been met , he's got an anal fixation - so he's always looking for some sort of hybrid pool room / lap dance bar if you know what i mean , must have been some traumatic event in his childhood !! nobody else wants to traipse round the streets looking for this unicorn .

11.15 argument/ fight starts , 8 becomes 3 , 1 , 2 , 1 , 1 . nobody can usually remember too much after this part as 2/3 hours more essential drinking is done .

some days later - the truth , or all that we'll ever know of it , is known . the rest is probably best left that way .

let me know what you expect your work party to be like ....