2 saved, 2 dead part 1

Yes, still no broadband. Still on the 32 kbps dial up modem (on a good day).

Tuesday night, 8 ish. After picking my daughter up from the child minder I had taken her to visit granny and granda. So a happy mini-me returned home looking forward to her bo-bo. Lights on, defrosted home made lasagne into the ove...HOLY FUCK! Why's there no water in the fish bowl ? Why is the floor wet? Shit, Shit!! The fish (both called Nemo by the way - my daughter's idea) are lying on top of the pebbles in an other ways empty spherical bowl which has a series of spiral cracks running around it. Tiny (put your thumb and forefinger up to your eye when you say tiny) is completely motionless. Big (punch the letter B when you say this) seems still but flares his discoloured gill once. I rush to find another bowl big enough trying at the same time not to alarm mini-me who is still oblivious to the drama playing out on the kitchen worktop with what is/was her very first pets. Cupping equal amounts of fish and stones I gently lay tiny and big Nemo in a salad bowl. No wriggling in my hand, no movement in the water. Fuck. I don't want to be doing the life/death conversation yet. A wetted gill moves, both fish. They start to right themselves. After 30 minutes or so the trauma seems to be past and they return to more or less normal.

There is a God. Today he is my friend. Nemo lives!

no words

I'm still just bloging via an old v. slow modem while I wait for my ADSL line to be switched on at my new house, too slow to browse properly but had to comment on this recent story.

It's not every day that you hear a story that leaves a lump in your throat. What do YOU think the sentence should have been ?

Babysitters jailed for baby rape

Alan Webster had a "malign influence" over Tanya French

Two babysitters have been jailed for raping a 12-week-old baby girl and taking pictures of the abuse.

Alan Webster, 40, and his girlfriend Tanya French, 19, both from Hatfield in Hertfordshire, pleaded guilty to rape and making indecent images.

Webster was given a life sentence at St Albans Crown Court; French was jailed for five years.

International law enforcers alerted police after Webster downloaded 7,000 indecent images from the internet.

There are no words to express the abhorrence such offending generates Judge Findlay Baker

The baby's mother was unaware of the abuse until detectives visited her home after finding photographs detailing the abuse at Webster's home.

Sentencing Webster, Judge Findlay Baker said the offences were committed against the "most vulnerable victim - a little baby".

"There are no words to express the abhorrence such offending generates," he added.

'Malign influence'

Sentencing French, he said: "You did not shrink away from the acts in which you joined, but looked forward to them."

But he said French was also a victim and had come under Webster's "malign influence" and was to some extent "corrupted by him".

French admitted four charges of rape, five indecent assaults, two charges of permitting indecent images to be taken of children and two counts of making indecent images of the child in February and March 2004.

Webster admitted one charge of rape, four indecent assaults, two charges of permitting indecent images to be taken of children and two counts of making indecent images of children.

Webster also admitted a separate charge of indecently assaulting a 14-year-old girl and seven offences of possessing child abuse images.

link to story here

"..I may be gone some time...."

The predicted fuck up by my ISP in changing telephone numbers has happened. After 3 weeks of waiting (and wondering why my old telephone number was still working for the ADSL) I got an email from them stating that as their record of my postcode differed from my telephone service provider's they couldn't do it. I would have to contact my telephone service provider to have them amend their records. What a load of twat. So the address is identical, they have the first half of the postcode meaning they can narrow the street down to a particular area of the city I live in, they know I created the order (the person who they both had the correct old address, postcode and number for) but they can't be SURE that it's me or the right house and street even though I provided the ISP with the new telephone number. Who the fuck else apart from me would the telephone company have given that new number to ?

Yes, I'm slightly peeved.

I'm moving the office to the new house today so god only knows when the new number will be active for ADSL. In the meantime amuse yourselves by delving into my archives or making up a resolution for me (see previous entry).

resolutions are dead, long live resolutions

I know it's the time for resolutions. I normally don't make any based on the fact that I don't stick to them. Don't even try. But I would like to draw a line in the sand and change some things and a new year seems as good a time as any. The first thing I asked myself was "why don't we stick to resolutions?". I believe the answer is that they're usually arduous, stretching (perhaps more often unachievable) goals that we find generally unrewarding and unsustainable. If we made resolutions that were fun, that were spiritually enhancing (I can honestly say I've never used those 2 words together before!) then we'd

1. probably stick to them
   
2. probably make more of them
   
3. have a shite load of smiles this year

So that's my starting point. Of course I'll have some goals too - but they'll be material and mostly work oriented.

And we all know that the most important step to achieving goals (and I'll include the fun resolutions in this) is writing them down then putting a bit of planning round each so, and I'm still mulling this over, I might put them up here via an entry or list.

Think of a fun resolution for yourself this year. If you want to share it stick it in the comments bin below or suggest one, tongue in cheek, for me.

same old

Rewind.

7.15am January 1st 2006. Time for bed. The red wine, Bisongrass Vodka and MDMA are cancelling each other out. I have to pick up my daughter around midday (even in my drunkenness I'm giving myself a hard time about being a bad father). All night people have been giving me compliments of one sort or another, "don't look your age", "must be doing well", "etc. I don't take compliments well. A friend of mine who's leaving to live in Australia in a few weeks kept telling me how I'm one of the his favourite two people in the world and how much he'd miss me. His emotions are always kept well under wraps and it was nice for him to say things like that. He wants to arrange a small ski holiday before he goes (a first for me) and I dare say I'll be putting myself in danger in any number of ways - stories will be posted. Yesterday was spent watching my daughter amuse herself (thank God) after a few hours sleep before the residual MDMA overcame the diminishing alcohol left in my system and tortured my exhausted sleepless body.

A two day hangover is halfway spent, I fall further behind in my decorating/moving plans and I return to work tomorrow. "30 lottery tickets please" will probably be my next spoken words. You know where I'm coming from don't you ?

French nails and rollers

Damn this fucking decorating. My nails are filled with white paint. The paint rollers never rinse clean - white paint coming out forever, am I the only person who can't clean a fucking paint roller? I'm behind schedule by several days, the satellite installer didn't show today but insists he will show tomorrow afternoon (new year's eve and a Saturday!). I got my "Egyptian cotton" mixed up with my "Soft stone", and when painting the ceilings the "Indicolour" white paint which goes on pink but dries white may as well be invisible to me and of course everything needs 2 coats. My ISP hasn't switched the phone lines on 29th as instructed, and my Palm has died (no, not the hairy one).

And those are just the minor irritations I have at the moment. "Start the year as you mean to go on" - I think NOT.

oh, and Happy new year.

collect your Christmas wish

Wishing everyone a relaxing Christmas .

last gasp

Braved the hordes. In early out early, right? No. Just got sucked in like a big bowl of treacle. Got out at 3pm - 1 present left to get after 5 hours and sore feet. Time to go do some hole filling at the new shanty. Next year .... I'll be soooo organised. Like in April, when you see what would be an ideal present for someone - buy it ! No fucking about. No messing. You won't remember come November when you spend 6 weeks looking for inspiration only to buy what's left when it boils down to the last 48 hours. I feel a "10 things you learned about Christmas but will forget next year" entry coming on.

Christmas dinner (and why I'm pathetic) part 2

This follows on from part 1 found here.

Part 2

So where was I . Vulnerable - that's where I was. NEWPA was casually slipping her arm around me in that "I'll keep it loose so it's friendly but if you reciprocate I'll really get friendly" kind of way. You know what I mean don't you? During the next wee while we chatted and other colleagues were in our company.
I had picked up that NEWPA was a bit too drunk and started to order up glasses of water for her making sure she was sipping them. I think we loosely stuck around each other - I wanted to make sure she didn't get taken advantage of and I had no romantic notions myself because of the state she was in - and she hung around me as we exited to the residents bar. It was here that my boss's, boss's boss started a conversation with me. All I'll say is that I should know by now. These boss type fuckers have a tendency to ask questions and I have a tendency to answer forthrightly. (When I was going through airport security next day I felt someone grab my arm. Yeah, it was him. Earth swallow me up please!) Next time will be different (why o why can't I just be rude and walk away from these people when they ask me questions, it would be so much less harmful for me in the long run).
Back to the plot. I am being topped up with large glasses of wine by all and sundry. That's just what I need with no sleep in 24 hrs and severe dehydration due to the dodgy guts. NEWPA is still here and my drunkenness must be catching up with hers.We can both barely speak and she loosely holds my fingers or my waist or gets really close to my face. You know what's coming next. My excuse is that I was drunk. I never can make good decisions when I'm drunk. Can't evaluate a situation. It's my folly. I let her bounce off my face in what was probably half a dozen attempted casual snog passes - the ones where they can be accidentally put down to losing her balance,blah, blah, blah. But 6 times? I am such a twat.
It's now past 4 and she is more sober than anytime over the last few hours - good. I however am swaying in the strong breeze created by an anorexic waitress gliding by- not good. Nothing happens. Nothing except EXPA comes to join us remarking that "Why did I leave her with ... earlier?" and for some unknown reason (and this bit really isn't like me) I get into and then take over a conversation about dick size. WTF !! Can the A team please swoop in and distract everyone with potato mortars and bling and stupid theme tunes, I need rescued. EXPA went to bed. NEWPA, who had now been joined by a friend of hers asked for 4 of us remaining to sit at a table. I think I must have been close to catatonic now. Funny I didn't remember being that way until the autopsy the next day. Bed (solo) was a mere few minutes away.
So there you have it. Or not.

I have some BIG questions for myself.

• Why was I such a gent?
• Why do I think I'm still sober when talking to a boss?
• Why can't I work out the small signs?
• Why can't I drink water like Jebus?
• Why do I turn into my brother when I'm drunk?
• Why did I spend a lot of the night making fun of fat girls ? (Oh, I'm not proud- forgot to mention that earlier. In my defence it was only the really fat ones who dressed inappropriately - I'm still digging that hole aren't I ? Shut up man!!).

I should have been tucked up in bed early on, dictating to a PA - any PA. I have another of these type of events in January, except bigger. Can you please give me some advice, some words of wisdom?

Christmas dinner (and why I'm pathetic)

As this is a much longer entry than normal for me I'll stick part 1 up now. Please put part 1 before your comment (for the benefit of later readers) and I'll update with part 2 as soon as possible. Thanks.
Part 1

You wanna know how the Christmas dinner went? Oke doke. Now, you already know what the ending is, it's only how I got there that differs.
So, night before - I get 2 hours sleep due to my daughter being unwell and an early flight. Arrive to the all day meeting thing which unexpectedly included alcohol. Bucks Fizz at breakfast followed by wine. Meeting ends and get a lift to the hotel. Try to sleep. No dice. Have, how shall I say, a dodgy stomach (onion bhajis at lunch) and spend most of the time between 6 and 7pm when the dinner starts on the toilet. Meet colleagues in the bar and have my first 2 glass worth of merlot. Veeeeery fucking boring so far, I know.
In walks a black dress attached to a beautiful beaming smile and blond bob who is of course my colleague from this entry. Yes, the flirty one who I may have done/said something inappropriate with in the past. Contact.
One of my colleagues brags how he spent £980 on drink whilst entertaining earlier in the week. He and 4 others who work in his department have already consumed 15 bottles of champagne today (somebody say he's a dickhead please).
We sit for dinner. Now this is where you have to start paying attention. My boss's ex P.A. arrives after everyone else in seated. She walks in and at first I struggle to recognise her as she appears to be 2/3 legs and has a catwalk gait. Dress code was supposed to smart casual ( whatever that is) . She's wearing a short-suit, hot pants and a sleeveless top combined, black, lycra, 60's detailing. Do I need to describe this is any more detail? I have a feeling we may be talking later. After the first course I realise sooner or later I'm going to have a cigarette. Due to the bad guts and the the fact I might not even make the end of dinner I decide to buy a pack now. (Sorry Junq, I'm weak.) I return to the bar during the meal (which takes 2 hours to serve) several times to have an occasional cig and top up my wine. It's easier to talk here anyway and socialise. Hello ex P.A. . EXPA is quite thin (did I say she had long legs?) so not usually my area of interest. She seemed pleased to see me. Smallchat. Back to dinner. Circulate with colleagues (there's about 300 in the room). Around this time I approach Smiley Flirty. For no apparent reason she was really "off" with me and the conversation lasted only a minute. Perhaps I have something to apologise for after all. Between a rebuff, giving in to the cigarettes and having to clench my cheeks for the last 2 hours or so this night isn't shaping up well.
I reverberate between the 2 bars for a while meeting various people along the way. EXPA is sitting on her own and I sit with her and congratulate her on her show stopping entrance. She feigns embarrassment and tells me how much she hates her legs. "You ! You've fantastic legs. Stand up EXPA!" And to my surprise she does and lets me wallow in her glory. There is a God and sometimes he even listens to me! A guy comes along and starts to chat with her. She seems interested in what he has to say so I leave them and move back to the comfort of the bar a few feet away where I bump into my boss's current P.A. . We'll call her NEWPA. NEWPA is happy. She calls out my name, grabs my arm and proceeds to tell me how nice I am. This could turn into a dangerous situation. 2 rebuffs, she's caught me on the rebound.


to be continued....

the guess-what-happened-next competition

Regular readers will be aware that me and large amounts of alcohol don't mix well. In a few hours I get on a plane to attend an all day meeting followed by the work Christmas dinner party. Rather than me tell you in 2 days time what I did I thought it would be more fun if readers left a comment forecasting what you think I'll do. If you trawl through my archives you might see some patterns. The winner gets to accompany me on a night out with an unlimited drinks budget.

Good luck.

What not to say to a woman

Men and women just don't think or communicate in the same way. No news there, I know. But if you're a man here are some things you might want to avoid saying.

What Not to Say to a Woman

• "What happened to your hair ? Will it stay like that ?"
• "Are you going to wear that tonight ? I thought you were going to get changed."
• "Birthday ? Who's birthday ?"
• "Did your clothes shrink in the drier ?"
• "Your sister is nice. What's her name ?"
• "You're how old ?"
• "Do you think you've been putting on some weight ?"
• "Look ! There's my old girl friend. Let's go over and talk to her."
• “Is that grey hair ?”
• "That's not the way XYZ did it."
• "What I really like about you is your tits."
• "Do you want to borrow my razor ?"
• "Did you have a shower earlier ?"
• "It only looks bad from certain angles."
• "Have any of your friends ever had a 3-some ?"
  
• "Why don't you get your hair cut like XYZ."
• "You remind me of XYZ."
• "That was probably the 2nd best sex I've ever had."
• "It is nice. It just doesn't really suit you."
  
• "I think you look O.K. for your age."
• "When you hit 40 I'll change you for 2 20s ."
• "If I win the lottery I'll give you half."
  
• "I thought you were taller."
• "It's just a little bit of cellulite. Nothing to worry about."
• "As long as it's quick. There's a program coming on in 15 minutes."
• "Marriage is for mugs."
• "I'd like you to be a bit more feminine."
• "Your share of the meal works out at ...."
• "What size do you wear now ?"
• "Have you always been a girl ?"
• "They look exactly the same as your other shoes."
• "Have you thought about getting one of those bras that lifts ?"
• "Pizza is a meal."
• "I know you said you just wanted a cuddle but I'm horny now."
  
• "Is it O.K. if I put the lights out before you take that off ?"
• "I still remember when you were really sexy."
• "I was only talking to her, I mean I could have - I just didn't want to."
• "Are you going out without your make-up ?"
• "I don't even like going to that bar - it's always full of young girls."
• "My tongue's got cramp."
• "All my other girlfriends were good looking but had no personality."
• "Your dress looks fine. No-one's looking at you anyway."
  

Never ever use the word "weight". Think - hole, small twigs and leaves. There is no possible way to avoid being thought of as a callous bastard after you use this word in any context about your partner - e.g. ...

"Have you lost weight ?" translated is "So you did think I was fat ?"

Feel free to add your own examples of what not to say in the comments section.

presents

Being that Christmas is only 2 1/2 weeks away now and I haven't started shopping yet I was just wondering . How late should you leave it before braving the hordes of once a year shoppers ?

gone

George Best 1946 - 2005

link 1

link 2

link 3

cows

"Mimi, what did you see on the train today with Granda ?"
"Cows"
"The sea ?"
"Ahuh"
"Trees ?"
"Ahuh"
"Fields?"
"Ahuh . Tiny cows daddy"

Not sure what it is, cows always come into the picture . The bovine fixation has been there for months . Big cows, tiny cows . Of course there's no such thing as tiny cows . Like when Father Dougal says to Father Ted "Jaysus Ted, aren't the cows in that field awful small ?" "No Dougal, those cows are big but faaaaaaaaaaaar away."


Father Ted DVD