Saturday, December 31, 2005

French nails and rollers


Damn this fucking decorating. My nails are filled with white paint. The paint rollers never rinse clean - white paint coming out forever, am I the only person who can't clean a fucking paint roller? I'm behind schedule by several days, the satellite installer didn't show today but insists he will show tomorrow afternoon (new year's eve and a Saturday!). I got my "Egyptian cotton" mixed up with my "Soft stone", and when painting the ceilings the "Indicolour" white paint which goes on pink but dries white may as well be invisible to me and of course everything needs 2 coats. My ISP hasn't switched the phone lines on 29th as instructed, and my Palm has died (no, not the hairy one).

And those are just the minor irritations I have at the moment. "Start the year as you mean to go on" - I think NOT.

oh, and Happy new year.

Friday, December 23, 2005

collect your Christmas wish

Wishing everyone a relaxing Christmas .

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last gasp


Braved the hordes. In early out early, right? No. Just got sucked in like a big bowl of treacle. Got out at 3pm - 1 present left to get after 5 hours and sore feet. Time to go do some hole filling at the new shanty. Next year .... I'll be soooo organised. Like in April, when you see what would be an ideal present for someone - buy it ! No fucking about. No messing. You won't remember come November when you spend 6 weeks looking for inspiration only to buy what's left when it boils down to the last 48 hours. I feel a "10 things you learned about Christmas but will forget next year" entry coming on.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Christmas dinner (and why I'm pathetic) part 2


This follows on from part 1 found here.

Part 2


So where was I . Vulnerable - that's where I was. NEWPA was casually slipping her arm around me in that "I'll keep it loose so it's friendly but if you reciprocate I'll really get friendly" kind of way. You know what I mean don't you? During the next wee while we chatted and other colleagues were in our company.
I had picked up that NEWPA was a bit too drunk and started to order up glasses of water for her making sure she was sipping them. I think we loosely stuck around each other - I wanted to make sure she didn't get taken advantage of and I had no romantic notions myself because of the state she was in - and she hung around me as we exited to the residents bar. It was here that my boss's, boss's boss started a conversation with me. All I'll say is that I should know by now. These boss type fuckers have a tendency to ask questions and I have a tendency to answer forthrightly. (When I was going through airport security next day I felt someone grab my arm. Yeah, it was him. Earth swallow me up please!) Next time will be different (why o why can't I just be rude and walk away from these people when they ask me questions, it would be so much less harmful for me in the long run).
Back to the plot. I am being topped up with large glasses of wine by all and sundry. That's just what I need with no sleep in 24 hrs and severe dehydration due to the dodgy guts. NEWPA is still here and my drunkenness must be catching up with hers.We can both barely speak and she loosely holds my fingers or my waist or gets really close to my face. You know what's coming next. My excuse is that I was drunk. I never can make good decisions when I'm drunk. Can't evaluate a situation. It's my folly. I let her bounce off my face in what was probably half a dozen attempted casual snog passes - the ones where they can be accidentally put down to losing her balance,blah, blah, blah. But 6 times? I am such a twat.
It's now past 4 and she is more sober than anytime over the last few hours - good. I however am swaying in the strong breeze created by an anorexic waitress gliding by- not good. Nothing happens. Nothing except EXPA comes to join us remarking that "Why did I leave her with ... earlier?" and for some unknown reason (and this bit really isn't like me) I get into and then take over a conversation about dick size. WTF !! Can the A team please swoop in and distract everyone with potato mortars and bling and stupid theme tunes, I need rescued. EXPA went to bed. NEWPA, who had now been joined by a friend of hers asked for 4 of us remaining to sit at a table. I think I must have been close to catatonic now. Funny I didn't remember being that way until the autopsy the next day. Bed (solo) was a mere few minutes away.

So there you have it. Or not.

I have some BIG questions for myself.

  • Why was I such a gent?
  • Why do I think I'm still sober when talking to a boss?
  • Why can't I work out the small signs?
  • Why can't I drink water like Jebus?
  • Why do I turn into my brother when I'm drunk?
  • Why did I spend a lot of the night making fun of fat girls ? (Oh, I'm not proud- forgot to mention that earlier. In my defence it was only the really fat ones who dressed inappropriately - I'm still digging that hole aren't I ? Shut up man!!).

I should have been tucked up in bed early on, dictating to a PA - any PA. I have another of these type of events in January, except bigger. Can you please give me some advice, some words of wisdom?

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Christmas dinner (and why I'm pathetic)


As this is a much longer entry than normal for me I'll stick part 1 up now. Please put part 1 before your comment (for the benefit of later readers) and I'll update with part 2 as soon as possible. Thanks.
Part 1

You wanna know how the Christmas dinner went? Oke doke. Now, you already know what the ending is, it's only how I got there that differs.
So, night before - I get 2 hours sleep due to my daughter being unwell and an early flight. Arrive to the all day meeting thing which unexpectedly included alcohol. Bucks Fizz at breakfast followed by wine. Meeting ends and get a lift to the hotel. Try to sleep. No dice. Have, how shall I say, a dodgy stomach (onion bhajis at lunch) and spend most of the time between 6 and 7pm when the dinner starts on the toilet. Meet colleagues in the bar and have my first 2 glass worth of merlot. Veeeeery fucking boring so far, I know.
In walks a black dress attached to a beautiful beaming smile and blond bob who is of course my colleague from this entry. Yes, the flirty one who I may have done/said something inappropriate with in the past. Contact.
One of my colleagues brags how he spent £980 on drink whilst entertaining earlier in the week. He and 4 others who work in his department have already consumed 15 bottles of champagne today (somebody say he's a dickhead please).
We sit for dinner. Now this is where you have to start paying attention. My boss's ex P.A. arrives after everyone else in seated. She walks in and at first I struggle to recognise her as she appears to be 2/3 legs and has a catwalk gait. Dress code was supposed to smart casual ( whatever that is) . She's wearing a short-suit, hot pants and a sleeveless top combined, black, lycra, 60's detailing. Do I need to describe this is any more detail? I have a feeling we may be talking later. After the first course I realise sooner or later I'm going to have a cigarette. Due to the bad guts and the the fact I might not even make the end of dinner I decide to buy a pack now. (Sorry Junq, I'm weak.) I return to the bar during the meal (which takes 2 hours to serve) several times to have an occasional cig and top up my wine. It's easier to talk here anyway and socialise. Hello ex P.A. . EXPA is quite thin (did I say she had long legs?) so not usually my area of interest. She seemed pleased to see me. Smallchat. Back to dinner. Circulate with colleagues (there's about 300 in the room). Around this time I approach Smiley Flirty. For no apparent reason she was really "off" with me and the conversation lasted only a minute. Perhaps I have something to apologise for after all. Between a rebuff, giving in to the cigarettes and having to clench my cheeks for the last 2 hours or so this night isn't shaping up well.
I reverberate between the 2 bars for a while meeting various people along the way. EXPA is sitting on her own and I sit with her and congratulate her on her show stopping entrance. She feigns embarrassment and tells me how much she hates her legs. "You ! You've fantastic legs. Stand up EXPA!" And to my surprise she does and lets me wallow in her glory. There is a God and sometimes he even listens to me! A guy comes along and starts to chat with her. She seems interested in what he has to say so I leave them and move back to the comfort of the bar a few feet away where I bump into my boss's current P.A. . We'll call her NEWPA. NEWPA is happy. She calls out my name, grabs my arm and proceeds to tell me how nice I am. This could turn into a dangerous situation. 2 rebuffs, she's caught me on the rebound.


to be continued....

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

the guess-what-happened-next competition


Regular readers will be aware that me and large amounts of alcohol don't mix well. In a few hours I get on a plane to attend an all day meeting followed by the work Christmas dinner party. Rather than me tell you in 2 days time what I did I thought it would be more fun if readers left a comment forecasting what you think I'll do. If you trawl through my archives you might see some patterns. The winner gets to accompany me on a night out with an unlimited drinks budget.

Good luck.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

What not to say to a woman



Men and women just don't think or communicate in the same way. No news there, I know. But if you're a man here are some things you might want to avoid saying.


What Not to Say to a Woman


  • "What happened to your hair ? Will it stay like that ?"
  • "Are you going to wear that tonight ? I thought you were going to get changed."
  • "Birthday ? Who's birthday ?"
  • "Did your clothes shrink in the drier ?"
  • "Your sister is nice. What's her name ?"
  • "You're how old ?"
  • "Do you think you've been putting on some weight ?"
  • "Look ! There's my old girl friend. Let's go over and talk to her."
  • “Is that grey hair ?”
  • "That's not the way XYZ did it."
  • "What I really like about you is your tits."
  • "Do you want to borrow my razor ?"
  • "Did you have a shower earlier ?"
  • "It only looks bad from certain angles."
  • "Have any of your friends ever had a 3-some ?"
  • "Why don't you get your hair cut like XYZ."
  • "You remind me of XYZ."
  • "That was probably the 2nd best sex I've ever had."
  • "It is nice. It just doesn't really suit you."
  • "I think you look O.K. for your age."
  • "When you hit 40 I'll change you for 2 20s ."
  • "If I win the lottery I'll give you half."
  • "I thought you were taller."
  • "It's just a little bit of cellulite. Nothing to worry about."
  • "As long as it's quick. There's a program coming on in 15 minutes."
  • "Marriage is for mugs."
  • "I'd like you to be a bit more feminine."
  • "Your share of the meal works out at ...."
  • "What size do you wear now ?"
  • "Have you always been a girl ?"
  • "They look exactly the same as your other shoes."
  • "Have you thought about getting one of those bras that lifts ?"
  • "Pizza is a meal."
  • "I know you said you just wanted a cuddle but I'm horny now."
  • "Is it O.K. if I put the lights out before you take that off ?"
  • "I still remember when you were really sexy."
  • "I was only talking to her, I mean I could have - I just didn't want to."
  • "Are you going out without your make-up ?"
  • "I don't even like going to that bar - it's always full of young girls."
  • "My tongue's got cramp."
  • "All my other girlfriends were good looking but had no personality."
  • "Your dress looks fine. No-one's looking at you anyway."


Never ever use the word "weight". Think - hole, small twigs and leaves. There is no possible way to avoid being thought of as a callous bastard after you use this word in any context about your partner - e.g. ...

"Have you lost weight ?" translated is "So you did think I was fat ?"


Feel free to add your own examples of what not to say in the comments section.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

presents


Being that Christmas is only 2 1/2 weeks away now and I haven't started shopping yet I was just wondering . How late should you leave it before braving the hordes of once a year shoppers ?

Sunday, December 04, 2005

gone

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George Best 1946 - 2005

link 1

link 2

link 3

Thursday, December 01, 2005

cows


"Mimi, what did you see on the train today with Granda ?"
"Cows"
"The sea ?"
"Ahuh"
"Trees ?"
"Ahuh"
"Fields?"
"Ahuh . Tiny cows daddy"

Not sure what it is, cows always come into the picture . The bovine fixation has been there for months . Big cows, tiny cows . Of course there's no such thing as tiny cows . Like when Father Dougal says to Father Ted "Jaysus Ted, aren't the cows in that field awful small ?" "No Dougal, those cows are big but faaaaaaaaaaaar away."


Father Ted DVD