Presidential briefing

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing...

He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks,
"How many is a brazillion?"


stolen from here

his only complaint

The first football superstar (long before big money came into the game) is currently in intensive care having been expected to die a few days ago . One of his famous quotes is ....

I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars - the rest I just squandered

link

He's also supposed to have bedded 3 Miss Worlds although if I wanted to nit pick - not all at the same time .

basking

My life's work is done . I have now achieved the envious position of being the number 1 website coming up in a Google search in India when looking for .....


this !


*lies back in chair, puts feet on table, hands behind head and basks in all his glory*

so much for the extra hour

B.S.T. officially ended at 3 am therefore I should be feeling the benefit of an extra hour in bed . Of course best laid plans and all that......., someone gave my daughter cheesy mashed potato yesterday at a tea-time kiddies halowe'en party (she was dressed as a witch) which I got a second look at at around 9 pm . So last evening was spent hand pre-washing the foulest gag inducing yellow sticky gunk off pillow cases and bedding . Even my goose down pillows had to be washed . But you've all been there, right ?
More later.

it's crazy but it's true ....

2 entries in 1 day - I know, anyway here's the first ...

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kanbe expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kanbe dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a,reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

wonder

The sea, it still amazes me . What must it seem like to a child ?

crash bang wallop - what a picture

Don't ask me what made this jump into my head. I was lying awake last night having been up late doing some work and Wallop! in it came. The title refers to something that happened when I was at school and about 14. One day in one of the playgrounds I was quietly minding my own business walking from A to B when I saw bearing down on me "Benners". That's not her real name. It's a convenient derivation of her nickname I'll use just in case she ever does a Google search of her real nickname and ends up here because she wouldn't appreciate what I'm going to tell you. I didn't call her Benners, only her girlfriends did (one of whom had a particularly nice arse). I called her Horse based on the fact that she was built like an East European female Olympic athlete from the 80s complete with back hair and a guinea pig under each arm. For all she was worth she tried to be as girly as possible and hung around with a really choice assortment of lovely looking girls. This was in vain however as she had ...... an over-large lower face characterised by cheeks on steroids and a nose you could cut wood with. Anyway, Benners or Horse bore down on me a grande vitesse and raised me bodily in the air only to crash down in a lump, specs broke, nose bleeding, my eye already swelling up. I wasn't happy as I picked myself up but due to the fact Horse was lying whimpering on the ground complaining about a slightly skinned knee a crowd gathered thinking I had "emptied" her (how she avoided landing on that over sized face I'll never know). Around this time some brave soul gave me a wallop which helped me complete my collection of facial injuries. Funnily enough I never did get to like her. I did however get some Karmic justice when about 3 years later her then boyfriend shared a titbit of information that haunts me to this day. For this you will have to try and imagine how she looked according to my description above then add the fact that he once inserted a Mars bar a la punani and gorged himself (Marianne Faithful and Mick Jagger style) on the resulting melted best-selling confection .

Now, can someone please help me get rid of the Horse ?

young(ish), free and single

It seems most of the blogging world is looking for sex / relationship . Perhaps even both ! As a general rule most who have these are unhappy anyway . Maybe if someone invented some way for people to meet and get it on the world would be a happier place . Oh wait, someone already did - speed dating, going to bars, personal ads, web dating etc etc .

Hmmm, your thoughts please ?

who'd have thought ... ?

I was at a birthday party last night . The most stunning person there was a friend of the celebrant - a Yemeni woman with long black slightly wavy hair and smouldering looks wearing a black strapless pencil dress . It seems dropping the Arabic word for prostitute into the conversation is an easy way to impress .

easy come , easy go

I've been looking to buy another house for about a year . Made an offer for one the other day . Got outbid by £5000 . Increased my bid by another £5000 ( so that's £10000 in a couple of hours) . Got a message on my answer phone . They accepted, other bidders pulled out . Bastards !

?

Remember this ?


This is an extract from a conversation I had earlier tonight .

Mimi, what did the Tin Man want ?
Hawwwt .
Yes . What did the Lion want ?
Couwge .
That's right . And what did the Scarecrow want ?
A Hanky .
?

buy low , sell high

E-bay never ceases to amaze me . If the ad looks fancy and has enough good info on it people will over-bid in a lemming like fashion - guaranteed . Even shit sells .
Whilst cruising E-bay for a couple of things I want I watched some computer memory items . I'm going to have be careful here so that the nerdy geek part doesn't take over . Anyway, a 1GB stick of what I wanted got bid up to £79 (it costs the same if you buy direct from the memory experts Crucial and you won't have any problems with warranties) when a higher specification 1GB stick is on sale for £39 delivered in a buy it now auction . Have you worked out which one I bought yet ? As for selling - when I do the upgrade I'll have 2 second hand 256 MB sticks . Guess what ? Yeah, it seems with a good enough ad I'll get more for my second hand sticks than they can be bought for new .

Thank God for stupid people .

a wee weep

In a house full of televisions and satellite boxes it's hard not to flick through a few channels and catch something worth watching . Tonight I was perusing the film channels and happened upon Love Actually . A few years ago I wouldn't have given a film like this the time of day but I stopped changing channels and let it wash through . I saw it a few weeks ago too,sitting in on a Saturday night, my daughter tucked up in bed . Hugging a large glass of merlot I sat there getting emotionally involved at all the to-ing and fro-ing in each of the relationships while listening to it's fantastic soundtrack . Now don't get me wrong, it's not Oscar material because it's a feel good movie with stories of love lost, but there are half a dozen performances in there that get you involved - like Liam Neeson but particularly Emma Thompson and Laura Linney . Long story short - I got a trembly chin a few times and some wet cheeks . Tonight, it was already part way through when I came upon it . And when my emotions had been engaged I drifted off to think about my daughter . I can't imagine my life without her .
Turn on the taps .

looking for something

Every day we all get strange and unusual Google searches that point to our Spaces which never cease to amaze us .
This morning's best (and non pornographic) example from mine is the following .
Of the 9800 answers found for this search mine was top .

click here



update - no, this has nothing to do with the entry dated 26th September !

a fine time

This has to be one of the best times of year - not warm, not cold - not wet nor dry - sunny or dark . The sun sets much earlier and at a time when we can't miss the shadowplay and fast changing light .

It's the last breath of summer before the winter arrives .

I love it .

click on the pic for full size